loud music!!!!

It’s helping me stay sane right now. My roomate makes me so incredibly angry lately.

I read something this morning that said "Like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar on soda, Is he who sings songs to a troubled heart."

My roomate is a very cheery happy person. And it just adds fuel to my fire. It drives me crazy. I can handle someone who’s sweet and nice. But she’s overly cheery and I don’t understand how she can be like that all the time.

And I find myself trying to fake the happiness with her to keep her happy. but sometimes I just want to scream at her. I just want to tell her to leave me the fuck alone. Because she always wants me to entertain her, like she’s a little 3 year old but she’s like 22. I AM NOT your entertainment….

I just want to run away. Her old roomate is coming to spend the night in our dorm room tonight….. I don’t know if I can handle being around them. Sometimes I just really want to be alone, to stay sane.

The only time I can relax is when my roomate is gone. It’s a good thing she leaves to see her boyfriend a lot and is gone all weekend.

In other news….

I feel insignificant. Now that me and Jordan are just friends… it’s weird. He was doing this survey thing and it said "where is your significant other?" he said ‘none’… I mean it’s right. We’re not in a relationship anymore. But it just hit me….and I was like, man….I don’t want to lose him. I still love him. But I’m just crazy right now and I have to figure myself out first. Maybe I never will. Maybe I’ll just never be stable enough for a relationship. I don’t know why I feel crazy. I canNOT except someone to fix me. I have to fix myself. I feel like I want to be better for him. I need to be better for him if it’s going to work again. and I really really want to be. But I dunno if I will. I just feel like a fucking mess. A mess. I’ve felt like a mess for the longest time.

I feel like I don’t know how to function like a normal human being. I have never had a bank account. Dont have a car. Or my own place. Stuck. No license. Wanting to be independent but I never was taught how to do it. My father was just too busy for that. Now I’m just…. really stuck. And I feel like I can’t go to anyone for answers. Except I’m seeing a counselor again next week so hopefully she’ll help me through these problems.

Maybe I need medication. I just feel mad. Absolutely mad.