i can’t sleep

I miss him. I miss him. And it’s my fault because I said we should just be friends.

But I just am not stable enough for a relationship right now.

But god, I miss him.

I don’t know what to do.

When we talk it’s not the same as it was. It’s good that we still talk…but it’s just….not the same. and I miss it already.

But I don’t want to go see him. Why? I don’t fucking know. I don’t know what is wrong with me. How can I love someone yet not want to be with them? well….the distance really makes things hard. we’re on separate sides of the country. I hate it.

Depression makes me not want to do anything. I hate it. I can’t function. I don’t know how to be my own person. I’m not grounded in who I am. I’ve always pleased people and not myself so I dunno why I am or what I want.

Right now I don’t want much, except to be happy. but I don’t think that will happen anytime soon.

I’m just a giant screw up.

I wish I could be out on my own and independent so I could just get up and move and be with him. But I’m not. I can’t drive, I’ve never had a bank account, I have college debt, I’m just a complete mess. and I’m 23. Yes. and I will be 24 in april.

I’m a screw up.

I can’t handle life.