a new day

I cried myself to sleep last night because I miss him and didn’t want to lose him.

But it was my decision to end it. At least we still talk. But I don’t know if that makes things good or bad.

This is not/ or was not a normal relationship. The reason is because we met online and talked for a year online. We did meet once. and were going to meet again until I decided to cancel.

It was odd though how we connected so well after only meeting online. People talk about online relationships not being very good, but we do have a lot in common, and I guarantee that I do not meet people in normal ways, because my social skills are……well….I’m just awkward.

Anyway, we really really connected. and the last time I had depression he actually helped pull me out of it and was incredibly patient and amazing to me.

Now it happens again, and I give up and push him away? Yeah…I’m given up. But not totally. I dunno. I told him if we were meant to be, then it would happen. But I have trust issues and since he’s on the opposite side of the country, who knows what could happen. He could meet someone who’s a ton better than I am and I wouldn’t know about it.

I never think I’m good enough for someone. He did say he loved me just the way I was. But I’m not comfortable in myself. I mean I can see that I’d be beautiful if I lost weight and did a few more things to help myself. But I feel like I’ve given up on looking good. I never cared a whole lot anyway. So maybe it’s because I’ve been caring too much what people think, even though they probably don’t care how I look. Oh the pressures of our society….that says if your not a certain size, you’re ugly…well.. it just screws with our heads and emotions.

I’m screwed up enough as it is.

I did part of a workout video today. I hate them and I feel absolutely ridiculous doing them but I actually tried. I feel a little better. I just would not do them in front of anyone or workout in front of anyone. Nobody wants to see gross me working out.blech…

I don’t know if I should tell him that I miss him or not.

The main reason I don’t want to meet him this second time is because I’ve gained weight and feel absolutely horrible and depressed and have lost my desire to be with him. So it has nothing to do with him. It’s all me.

But then I cry myself to sleep over missing him and me making a mistake? What is that? Is that getting my feelings back? I don’t know. This is too confusing. I need to take a shower and try and study chemistry. I probably won’t make sense of it though. I’m so behind on school work already and I only have 13 hours. I waste a lot of time. And think to much, and my mind goes crazy……..

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh