a day of waste.

Everyday seems to be that way these days. I’m just drifting through life. I started playing this zOMG! game today. Yay, way to get another addiction. Who knows. Maybe I won’t get into it really. It’s not really my thing anyway. Two of these girls are really into it.

I swore to myself I was going to study Chemistry today. I have a test on Monday. I haven’t study. I skipped class on Friday. I haven’t done my work. I’m losing desire for a lot of things.

I miss Jordan. But I chose to just be friends because I can’t make up my mind. I’m just a confusing person and I’m not at all good with commitment. Shouldn’t that be a guy’s problem? But it’s my problem. I guess it’s not gender based.

Depression is devouring me once again…and I’m just letting it happen. I don’t have any will power or energy. Part of the reason I decided not to go see Jordan on Spring Break was because I am insecure in myself. I know he loves me just the way I am, but if I’m not comfortable in my body then it makes it hard. I really have let myself go…again. Depression does that.

I’m making an appointment with a counselor on Monday. It’ll be hard, but I’m going to try and do this. After all, I only have 13 hours this semester, so I have extra time on my hands. I should be getting help.

This semester is so sad, because most of the people I was close to have graduated and moved on. I wasn’t close to a whole lot of people but the few I knew are now gone…and I’m STILL HERE…….I just want to graduate.

I feel like I’ve wasted my education. But hell, I’ve never liked school. Ever. Ever. I started to in college, but then depression ate my will to do anything. And woohoo! Here it is again! Yay!……………………………………..

I really want some weed. But my school wouldn’t allow it. Bah. I’m going to see one of my good friends over Spring Break and we may light up….but she’s also doing testing for this company sometime and has to be drug-free for that. So my Spring Break just could be screwed completely.

I’m glad my roomate isn’t here all the time. I have a low tolerance for her kind. She’s extremely happy and hyped up all the time, and I just can’t take it. and I’m tired of being happy for her. I’m not happy.

I do miss Jordan, because he made me feel valuable when I couldn’t believe in myself.

BUT it’s important that I learn to value myself. For once, I really need to find out what I need. I need to do what’s right for me and only me. But I have no idea what’s right for me……I always just settle for what other people like. But I’m kinda sick of it.

I need to be my own person.

I’m going insane….nah been there, done that.