Tierd of Life

Maybe its the post drinking depression blues but I’m really tierd of life today.  You’d be thinking the day after Christmas after spending a lovely day with family and friends, drinking wine and eating and being merry you would be feeling happy but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I want the entire world to go away.  I just want to curl up in a ball, buried 10000 feet under and not have to see anyone, explain my mood to anyone, not having to try and ‘be’.  Try to pretend to be happy.

I guess I’m just tierd of life. Tierd of trying.  Tierd of hiding the fact that I’m not happy.  Ten years of depression and not a soul knows.  I had to cancel my plans with my friends tonight as I just couldn’t pretend to be happy, pretend the smile is real.  Sometimes its like riding a wave, not knowing when its going to break and come crashing down on you.  One minute happy, the next minute wishing it all away. 

There’s the end of a poem that goes something like ‘not knowing but becoming the black hole of your heart.  Not knowing how you got here and not knowing how to depart.’  It kind of sums it all up for me today.

Anyway, before I keep complaining I am going to go and curl up under my doona, close my eyes, and imagine a world away from here.  Play one of my Cd’s and let my mind drift off to the music.  I’m thinking a bit of Neil Young – Rust Never Sleeps.

Peace

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