Brain Talk

I’m in much better spirits than I was for my last entry. I still have that stupid feeling of emptiness at times, but I guess that is a symptom of BPD that I’m just going to have to learn to live with. When I was diagnosed a couple years ago, everything made sense. All those strange feelings that seemed to creep up in a cyclic way made sense. Although I am not an extreme case, and thank goodness for that because some people with BPD are fuking crazy, it still makes me mad because I know that people who don’t have BPD don’t always have these up and down moods, and don’t often feel empty and alone.

Married life is going well. It’s more mundane than I expected, but then what did I expect to change, really? We met with a financial advisor a couple weeks ago to discuss where we are headed in the future. We have goals of home ownership, but I also have a large debt from school that takes almost $800 out of my pocket each month. So even though I make good money, it is hard to save for a down payment on a home. Our rent is $1374.15 each month so that is basically a mortgage payment on its own and we already pay heat, hydro, and water/sewer on top of that. Basically, it is clear that we could definately afford a home if not for that pesky downpayment. I kick my ass now that I didn’t buy a home when you could still do so for 0% down. But it is what it is.

So I guess my goals now are to start an RRSP, and to also pay off that pesky debt. It shouldn’t be a problem since I don’t really have any other debts but it will take time and I am definately an impatient person when it comes to…. well most things.

My goal was to originally buy a home and then start a family…. but it looks as though we may be starting a family before a home becomes a reality. I would like to wait until I’m permanent at my job though, because that just seems like the responsible thing to do. But, if all goes well we will start trying to have a baby in a year or so. Maybe.

I’ve managed to gain like 20-30 lbs since the wedding. Well, I think I put on 10 lbs before the wedding because I was eating like garbage with all the stress. Still, I’m not impressed with myself. My workplace is trying to get us a corporate gym membership… basically it’s $396 for the entire year, which works out to like $33 a month. Sounds good to me. I need to tone up this body and burn some extra calories. I have an eliptical at home, but I’m not super motivated to do it anymore. I used to do it when I was home in the evenings watching tv with Shannon, but now we don’t really have evenings together all the time.

Oh, did I mention my career goal was to get a day job in the near future? I’m counting on an OW case coordinator position to come up. Hopefully….

Anywho, yeah so I think I’ll go in for that gym membership. I used to go to curves a lot but their hours weren’t that good. They were open like 8am-8pm Monday-Friday and 8am-noon on Saturdays, closed Sundays. It didn’t exactly work for me once I started back to doing shift work. This other gym is open 24 hrs and there is one near me, so yeah…. we’ll see how that goes. I don’t want to be one of those people that spend all their money on a gym membership and then don’t go, but I don’t really see any long term solution to keeping my weight off if I don’t stay active.

Otherwise life is okay. Not very exciting! We’re going camping in a couple of weeks near Muskoka. It’s a cute little family campground and Steve and Amelie and the baby are coming with us. We usually tent camp but because Amelie co-sleeps it wasn’t safe to have the baby on an air mattress  so we found a place with a little sleep cabin. It’s meant for a family of 4, so Shannon and I will be sleeping on bunk beds (ha!) but otherwise it’ll be fun.

I feel yucky and disconnected from my friends. I think I need a hobby. I want to move to Toronto to be closer to my friends. I want a house and a dog and a baby. I want a day job. I want I want I want.

I’m still in the process of changing my last name. I have to wait until three months after the wedding to send away a request for our marriage license. Then, I have to take the license and go about changing all my ID and such. I feel like I’ll have a sense of completion once that’s done.

My head is going a mile a minute…. clearly I don’t do well with major life changes, but I’m pretty sure the anxiety will leave me soon.

Things are going well, I swear. It’s just inside my head.

Fuck I want a feild tomato.

That is all.