Transitions

I subbed as a facilitator for grief group today. It was fun, which is kind of strange word to use about grief, but it was fun to go back and see how the group is doing since I left at the end of June.

Three people in the group were familiar to me, and we had two new ones since I last facilitated. For one of the men, his wife has been gone just two months. Yikes! And the other man’s wife died of colon cancer back in March.

Yes, they are the grief newbies. That kind of grief is so difficult to get through. We do, but it’s an agonizing journey.

It was a good group. No one monopolized the time, everyone shared, and we all felt comfortable with one another. And I didn’t have to say much to keep the group moving, and that’s always good for a facilitator.

These newbie grievers give me more than I can ever give them. I learn so much about myself each time I listen to a new story.

If nothing else has been a positive since Ray’s death, and there have been a few positives, believe it not, deciding to be a volunteer grief group facilitator has been a HUGE positive. I know Ray is glad I’m doing this, too. He was always my biggest cheerleader.

One of the women mentioned the most difficult part of her grief journey is the transitions. For example, when I come home from work and Ray isn’t there to greet me. We always took a few moments or lots of moments, so we could babble about our work days when I got home. I’d heat up a cup of coffee, we’d sit down, either outside if the weather was nice or inside if it wasn’t, and just talk.

I don’t miss that so much anymore, because I’m now used to transitioning alone after work. I let the dogs out, heat up my coffee, and sit outside if it’s nice, and inside if it’s not, and have a little quiet time before beginning my evening. And now it doesn’t bother me too much, I’m just used to being home alone at that time. It’s kind of like being the first person home before the rest of the family members arrive.

I miss Ray most when I transition to going to bed. We’d always spend at least an hour together before I’d go to bed watching TV. I’m not a big TV person, but we’d sit on the couch, one on one side and the other on the other side, maybe with our feet touching, and watch TV, and maybe I’d be reading.

We weren’t necessarily communicating directly, but we were in that comfort zone of being together.

I miss that cocooning kind of companionship before I go to bed.

If Joe is here, we watch TV together, too. And Joe sits right next to me, and we usually are holding hands and we’re much more direct, with a lot of back and forth about the TV show we’re watching or other subjects, but it’s not as relaxing as my evening with Ray.

Joe and I go to bed at the same time, too, and we’re settling down faster than we used to. Ray and I rarely went to bed at the same time, as he was more of a night person than I am.

Joe used to need to chat a bit as part of his settling down process, but now he’s more relaxed and usually falls asleep fairly quickly, as do I (thank goodness!).

If Joe doesn’t stay with me, then I go to bed like I did when Ray was alive. I read a bit before falling asleep. Ray would always give me a kiss, whether I was asleep or not, when he came to bed.

Shadow, the lucky dog, gets to sleep with me now if Joe isn’t here. When Ray was alive, Shadow would start his night on the bed, but the minute Ray began the climb upstairs, Shadow would jump off, and seek a throw rug on the floor where he would spend the rest of his night.

It was a coolish, but sunny day today. We’re just beginning to get our fall colors. It’s possibly going to warm up into the low 80s in the upcoming week and with fall color nearing peak, it’s going to be awesome.

I drove out to the cemetery this afternoon and managed to get a few shots of our fall transition.