My Grief Bag

At this moment, it’s only 39 degrees. The rain has stopped, but the drizzle is supposed to continue into the evening. In other words, it’s a cold and icky spring day. It feels more like early March than late April. But we’re supposed to soar up to 60 degrees tomorrow along with lots of sun. That will sure feel good.

The grief group people called a couple of weeks ago and asked me if I wanted to facilitate the spouse loss group from May through June. I said sure. I haven’t done grief group since last year and I’m ready to go again.

I’m one year further out, one year of growth that I wish I didn’t have to do, and a lot less tears and sadness. Time does seem to heal all wounds, but it doesn’t heal the emptiness and the feeling of a life gone off the tracks.

Since it was a rainy and icky day and it’s best to use those types of days to do icky things, I went through my grief bag. It’s one of those cloth bags you can use at the store instead of plastic or paper bags. I keep my grief facilitator training book in it, plus my grief folder, full of stuff from when I first started going to grief group, plus stuff I’ve accumulated since I’ve been a facilitator.

What did I find when I started going through folder? Oh, my goodness, all kinds of Ray stuff. How did it end up here?

A letter Ray sent me on 9/2/97 with photos of his garden and his youngest granddaughter, Aimee.

An email from Ray on 2/22/99 beginning with “You have fulfilled a gap in my life and as each day goes by I love you even more.”

A poem I wrote for Ray on 2/13/99, “Angel Valentine.” “A million people for you to care about, but you chose to love me.”

A poem I wrote for Ray on 7/13/97, “Carry Me into Darkness.”

A poem I wrote for Ray on 5/14/00, “The Fisherman.”

A poem I wrote for Ray on 11/4/02, “Depression Glass.”

Our holiday letter from 2004.

A poem I wrote for Ray on 4/22/01, “My Best Friend.”

An email from Ray on 5/5/99, “I love you more today than I did a year ago! Of all the things that happened in my life, you are the best ever.”

And the emails continue, several of them, mostly from 1998 and 1999. Just sweet, loving emails.

I seem to find these treasures when I’m down. I’ll run into something of ours, and even though it’s so sad to see these, because they represent the best times of my life, by reading his words helps bring Ray back into focus.
That’s another thing that happens as time moves on, Ray starts getting fuzzier and it’s more difficult to bring into my mind a clear picture.

So I got my grief stuff all organized. I pass out an information sheet listing web sites, mostly blogs written by widows and widowers, and books that I have found useful. A lot of the group members are older and don’t use the internet much for emotional connection, but sometimes there are younger ones in the group who are comfortable using social networking as a way of moving forward and healing.

I updated the information sheet and made several copies, so I’m all set for next week. I’m not sure who will be in my group. Most people go for at most a year, so it’s doubtful I’ll see the same people I had last year. Some go for a little longer, but it seems after about a year, going to grief group is like starting over every week. By the time a year goes by, most people are finding ways to cope and are beginning to move on emotionally.

Not that people forget their loss, but after a year, most people are beginning to incorporate that loss into their lives and the loss becomes part of their life story.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a nicer day, so I’m hopefully I’ll get the grass cut. I want to sweep all the sand and leaves out of the garage. Even though today is kind of winter-like, it is spring. It’s time to clean out winter.