Mid-Winter Blahs

Does this winter seem longer than normal? Maybe it’s because we had a nice and easy winter last year. And this winter hasn’t really been bad, a little below zero weather, hardly any snow lately, but it seems like it never gets light, even though we passed the winter solstice, the winter nights seem to fall with a hard thud and it’s darker than dark. Even when dawn comes, the sun seems like it takes its time to light up the world.

I find myself around 8:30 pm at night nodding off like an old person. My head falls to my chest and I begin a dream and then I hear Joe say, “Honey, do you want to go to bed?” Yikes. I’m usually like an energizer bunny and it takes a lot to get me tired.

I think I miss going outside. This past week has been too cold to go for a walk. The windchills have been in -35 to – 45 degree range, not really safe for walk.

It’s warmer today, but we’re on the edge of a winter storm system that’s creating ice, rain, sleet, and snow. We had the sleet earlier, but the precipitation changed to snow earlier than the weather people anticipated, so far, we’ve had a dumping of about two inches of snow.

It’s that beautiful snow, with big fat flakes, coating the bushes and trees, and I love watching it from my home’s windows. We’re lucky, because we can stay home today with all our errands taken care of.

Joe is watching Tiger Woods and golf, and since Tiger is golfing well, I don’t hear a lot of cursing from the living room.

I’m watching basketball, OKC against the Lakers; so far the game is close. I don’t like the Lakers and they haven’t played well this year, so I’m waiting for OKC to start demolishing them.

Speaking of basketball, my younger grandson is up north today playing in a basketball tournament. I’m hoping everyone gets home safely. Thank goodness for cell phones.

Neither of my grandsons exactly burn it up on the basketball court, but it’s good exercise, gives them something to do in the winter, and builds team work and good sportsmanship and all that stuff. My son says he’s waiting for baseball season to start since it’s so painful to watch the boys play basketball. Funny.

As a grandmother, I don’t care. I don’t get upset if they miss a basket or sit on the bench. With old age comes wisdom, who cares? When I was a parent, I was tense as a jaguar waiting to pounce if Asher didn’t get enough playing time or made a mistake. With grandchildren, I have that extra space and have less personal investment in their accomplishments.

It was Ashlin’s birthday yesterday. Can you believe he is 12 years old? What happened in 12 years? I remember the day he was born, and I took Quincy home with me. I took Quincy to Target first so I could buy diapers for him and he had a fit because I wouldn’t let him play the video games in the display. He was 19 months old. And he hasn’t changed much. He still plays video games endlessly.

And he is the other one who is not home. Quincy went to Spanish camp over the weekend up in Bemidji, MN and is on the way home. If his parents don’t get back in time from the up north basketball tournament, I’ll pick Quincy up at school when they get in.
Speaking of Quincy, Quincy’s photo was used as a part of a St Paul schools advertising campaign. We saw Quincy on billboards, online banner ads, and mailings, but we didn’t see him on the side of a bus.

I knew I was getting a bladder infection yesterday. After the festivities for Ashlin, I went to urgent care. Thank goodness, it wasn’t busy. I think the flu season has peaked and all those sickos aren’t clogging up the emergency rooms and clinics anymore. I got in right away and after the lab tested my urine, it was verified that yes, I had a bladder infection. I drove to the pharmacy and picked up my antibiotic. I’ve cut back on the coffee and been drinking copious amounts of water, trying to shake this thing. I hate having that heavy bladder feeling.

I’m doing grief facilitation again during January and February. The same core group of widows/widowers are still attending, many coming up to their second year. They work hard on their grief, trying to come to terms with missing their spouse. There is no answer to grief, except time. Time helps, but doesn’t erase. Our dead people are always with us, just waiting . . . until we can join them.

I’m coming up on my five year anniversary. I feel like I should get a pin, symbolizing that I didn’t crash and burn. I still visit Ray every week at the cemetery. I still feel him in my daily life. I miss him so much, but there’s nothing I can do about it, except wait and do the best I can with my life until it’s my turn.