In Memoriam

Every year since he died, on his birthday, I put a card in memoriam in the paper for Ray.

His birthday is in September, so I’m not sure why I’m thinking about this now, probably because I consider January the beginning of the end for him and from Christmas to February 25, 2008, it was a slow, but steady march towards his death.

I’ve had four cards in the paper so far and I’ll continue to do so until I’m dead or deranged or whatever.

I try to think of things Ray said to me and have put those little phrases into the card; he was such a sentimental sweetie. Then I include the same photo to be printed with the memoriam. Ray will always look the same now – a jaunty man wearing a white hat with a killer smile. The one kindness death does for us – it stops the aging. We stay the same forever.

So what messages do I have printed in the cards?

9/25/08 – Did I tell you that I love you today?

9/25/09 – Click!

9/25/10 – I.L.Y.T.M. (I love you too much)

9/25/11 – I wouldn’t change a thing.

Someday I’ll run out of cute things he said and then I’ll be on my own as far as writing anything meaningful and clever.

As I was thinking of those cards in memoriam, I started thing about the rare times Ray would call me at work. Ray didn’t call me much while I was at work unless it was to discuss something, but every once in a while, he’d call and say, “I love you.” And that was it. One of my coworkers told me she enjoyed listening to me while I was on the phone with him, because my tone of voice and our conversations were so loving.

If only that phone would ring now and I could hear his voice say, “I love you.”

Ray only called me once when he was in the hospital for the last time. It was on his second day there and he called me to let me know that they had moved him to a different room.

Then the calls stopped. Ray only called me from the hospital when he was feeling OK. I knew when I didn’t get any more calls from him that he was very sick.

Yeah.