Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

I think within each couple there are these unwritten rules that are followed by both people. Some rules evolve over time, some rules are developed immediately in the relationship, some rules are unbreakable and unchangeable, and other rules are flexible and constantly changing as the relationship moves through time.

For Ray and me, the unchangeable rules were always eating dinner together (if we were both home) and always sleeping in the same bed. Ray would not tolerate any couch sleeping, even if one of us was very ill.

An example of a flexible rule was for mowing the lawn. For a long time Ray mowed. He fixed up an old self-propelled lawn mower so it would be easier for him. When we moved into this house, he would cut the back and I would cut the front with the other lawn mower. Then it just got too hard for him, and I cut both lawns. I was OK with that, I like cutting the grass. It’s very relaxing.

Our money was thrown into common bank accounts – savings and checking. I paid bills and kept track, but from time to time, Ray would grab the checkbook and balance it. I always provided him a monthly report showing our expenditures, so he would know where we were at financially.

Our money was tighter back in my years with Ray. I wish he was here now, so he could reap the rewards with me since my earnings are much higher now.

Another rule was whoever got up last made the bed. Ray was always stuck with that task! But if it was a weekend, we made the bed together. Ray was usually last to bed, so he would check the locks and turn off the lights.

We both shared the task of cooking dinner. We went grocery shopping together. Ray kept track of what was in the pantry. He’d check my grocery list and cross off the items we didn’t need and add ones we did.

When we first became a couple, I used coupons, but over time, I got frustrated over the amount of time it took to go through them and cut them out and make up a grocery list that incorporated them, so I stopped using them. Ray was a coupon guy, so he took on the task of keeping track of the coupons. I still have his wallet in my underwear drawer, and yes, there are a few coupons tucked in the currency pocket.

We both did dishes. Sometimes Ray did them. Sometimes I did them. It didn’t matter and it wasn’t ever discussed.

I always did laundry and trash.

If I brought home something that needed to be put together, Ray immediately grabbed his screwdriver. He wouldn’t trust me to do it! I’m all thumbs with tools!

Our worst fights involved me blowing up like a startled bear. I’d bellow for about 10 minutes and then it was over. I don’t think Ray ever got angry with me. I believe our longest fight was about two hours. We hated being angry with each other and came to compromises very quickly.

For the most part, we walked in the same steps. Ray was a kinder person than me, more likely to believe the best in an individual than I am, and he was definitely more optimistic about life than me, but in spite of his sweetness and my edginess, we saw things the same way. He was one of those angels who walk among us. I can’t tell you how many times Ray would go out of his way to help someone else. His autopsy report didn’t reveal this, but his heart was made of gold.

And so a “couplehood” develops. After 10 years, Ray and I were on the verge of being an “old couple,” where we knew by glance and nuance what the other was thinking. That’s probably one of things about Ray dying I miss the most.

As relationships have rules, Christmas has rules, too. Everyone’s Christmas rules are different. For me, Christmas isn’t Christmas without spending countless hours listening to Christmas music. I bake cookies. I put off Christmas shopping until the last minute. I got all mushy and happy during the season. I like buying gifts for myself. We always have a turkey and all the fixings on Christmas Eve.

All I have to do today is to wrap my presents. Ray used to wrap ours. He wrapped beautifully with the paper just right. I slap the paper on and stick some tape on the package. Yikes. So I miss wrapping gifts with him.

All the baking is done. I have all the fixings for the turkey dinner tomorrow night. I’m not planning to do anything else but wrap today, so I have a date with the couch and my Kindle and I’ll curl up and do some reading while Christmas carols dance into my ears.

My older grandson’s junior high school had a band and orchestra concert at the Minnesota state capitol. My grandson plays the baritone and had a couple of solos.