Time & Timeliness

Reading the book "Boundaries" has really got me thinking about all sorts of different things lately. It drives me to think about the way I was brought up, and the way Mum’n’Dad are.. and the way *I* am and how I should change certain things about me..

Even before reading the book, I have been battling with the following…

We were brought up in a very chaotic household… we were NEVER on time to meetings, gatherings and celebrations; there was never any "quiet time" at home; emotions erupted like volcanoes whenever the need arose for the adults in the house, though this was not permitted if you were one of the children in the household; there was no room or space for having your own opinion and you were berated if you ever dared to express anything near as such; mealtimes were at all sorts of crazy hours – sometimes you were woken from your sleep to share pizza the parentals had just ordered at near-midnight; music was praised and appreciated if it was played by the adults but music was evil and dangerous if it was played by the youngsters in the house; sex was a topic of open conversation at the dinner table whenever it might have arisen, but equally disgusting and despicable when it came to "mens desires", expressed by both Mum AND Dad; and if you asked permission for ANYTHING the answer was almost always "no", and if you questioned that, the answer was "Because I said so".

I like to think that a lot of these household characteristics existed simply because we were raised by two children .. children of mind.. But some of these things are unfortunately driven by supposedly CULTURAL motivations…

The concept that I’ve been toying with in my head, and trying to get my head around lately, is the concept of Time.. or more so Timeliness. Mum’n’Dad have an extremely warped sense of time and timeliness. When it comes to these things, they are haphazard and irresponsible. But IS THIS THE WESTENER IN ME SPEAKING ??

And herein my struggle and my dilemma.

Often when I’m spending the afternoon with Mum, Dad will come home from work at about 7pm, at which point I will leave. Recently Mum pleaded with me to stay, as Dad had been missing me an awful lot and wanted to spend time with me. I protested that he always gets home "so late". I did stay back that night, and as I drove home at near 10pm I pondered on many things in relation to this.

I pondered that my parents are old and their ways aren’t going to change by now.

I argued with myself as to why WE should be the ones to try and fit around HIS schedule all the time, when his schedule is just so out of sorts?

I reasoned that it won’t hurt me (or Sinjay) to work around his schedule once in a blue moon, if only to spend some quality time with my father, which I truly enjoy when I DO make that sort of sacrifice.

And I questioned as to WHO AM I to suddenly change the rules ???

I was BROUGHT UP in that environment – who am I to suddenly say to my parents, "I’m sorry, but your lifestyle just AIN’T GOOD ENOUGH" just because *I* have been the one to grow up, move out of said environment, and enmesh myself a little more into the OUTSIDE culture..

*I* have been the one to join with an Australian man, and *I* have been the one to learn more about the Australian way of life, and *I* have been the one to change some of my ways-of-childhood.. Why should I suddenly expect that my parents should change their whole way of being, and of living, and of expressing (even!) just because *I* have been the one to change?

Many small-minded Australians will argue haughtily, "Well YOUR PARENTS are the ones that moved to Australia so THEY better get used to it – or go back to where they came from". This disgusting argument boils my blood to the core. And have YOUUUU experienced moving from one side of the world to another and having that new society EXPECT that you will not only speak THEIR LANGUAGE 24/7 but also start living the way THEY do too ???

No I didn’t think so. So shut your fucking asshole-for-a-mouth.

And yet I find myself despicably AKIN to these same idiots when expecting my parents to do things the way Australians do them. And yet I struggle deeply because… I AM culturally-Australian.

Every time we have a family gathering somewhere, we always have to wait for Mum’n’Dad to rock up. Inevitably they do not rock up till AT LEAST an hour later, sometimes two hours later. By which time, we are all usually fairly hungry, not to mention angry and frustrated because TO US, being late is rude and disrespectful. This story is getting old with me, and I’m starting to think that perhaps we should start without the parents… But starting without somebody in South-American culture is HORRIFIC. It is rude and disrespectful too – if not much much worse.

I remember the very first time I came across the concept of "lateness" as equal to "rudeness" and "disrespect". I was 13yrs old in Grade 8, my first year of highschool… And I had a Science class after lunch. By the time we all lined up outside the classroom in perfect order, per Mr Rogers’ preferred style, and by the time we all quietly and meekly walked into the classroom, a good 15-20mins had passed. The reason why we were so quiet and meek upon entering the classrom was because Mr Rogers gave us a huge lecture on Timeliness. He explained quietly and firmly that he considered our lateness to be disrespectful towards him. I snickered deep inside, thinking to myself ‘You’re an idiot – Don’t take things so personally – It’s got nothing to do with you’. When suddenly he explained that in "Australian culture", to be late was equal to rudeness.

I could NOT for the life of me understand this concept – it didn’t make any sense to me. Time was just time – it was beyond anyone’s control and mealleability. How could anyone think that it was a slightness on THEM? Time didn’t belong to ANYBODY. Time.just.was.

In certain aspects of my life, I still think of Time in this manner. But over time I have come to understand what Mr Rogers meant back then. I have come to experience this "offence"… I have come to feel the indignity when somebody is THAT late because it is stealing into MY precious time… And because, quite simply, in Australian culture, lateness is equal to rudeness *shrugs*

I struggle with when to do things the way they’ve always been done with my parents… and when to do things the way *I* do them now because of who I have become over years and years and years – enmeshed in the society that I have grown up in and know as Home. And how to stop feeling that they are crossing my BOUNDARIES… like they are rude towards me.. like they don’t have any consideration for me… for all of us…? The cultures clash severely at times, and I struggle with dealing with the clash and really – what to DO about it.

Is there anything to do about it?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

Is it really all that important?

Do we draw the line to Mum’n’Dad? Do we have that right?

And if we did, wou

ld it all be worth it in the end?

Perhaps not…