Shell of Rain

Once again, depression settles on me. Like a blanket of dullness over my heart and my mind. I cannot find any joy or peace or purpose in anything I do. And I just go through the motions. Robotically. Mechanically. As though my body does it all for me. I’m not really present. At all.

I hate that I battle with this shit. I don’t know what causes it. I look at my life and everything is going fine. I have a great job, I have a handsome husband, I have a good car, a beautiful house.

I’ve spent so long fervently searching outside me

I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode

~ Alanis Morissette

There is two of me, as always. The one that shows the world that everything is fine. I smile, and laugh, and work really hard, and stride confidently, walk purposely.

But I am a shell of nothingness. There is nothing inside me. Just rain. Constant rain. Emptiness.

I can’t wait for Mick to move down to Brisbane. I really need to spend time with someone like him. A close friend. Someone who understands me. Someone who can be soulful and mindful with me…

I’ve spent so long fervently searching outside me…