It Hasn’t Evolved

I didn’t realise just how angry I was towards Jodi until our walk back home, where I had ample opportunity to just express and vent and release about it all. 

Okay, the fact is that she got together with Paul in March 2007. Nearly two years, correct? During which I have barely seen or heard from her. I EXPECTED this in the begining – I expected that she would disappear for about 6mths. I totally knew what she was up for, and I totally understood, and therefore didn’t push. I also expected however that she would , of her own accord, realise that perhaps she may have left a friend behind back in the good old March 2007. But nope. She didn’t.

Fast forward 12mths and it was the good old March 2008 – I had just gotten back together with Sinjay and I was deeply troubled and worried and hopeless about our future and I REALLY could’ve done with her friendship and support around that time. Anyhow, I decided to organise a Girls Nite Out. It wasn’t meant to be a depressing Dee-talks-about-her-problems coffee date. I really needed to let my hair down and it was honestly meant to be a Girls Nite Out. Cocktails, heels, the whole shebang right. And she invites Tamika at last minute; Tamika takes her sweet fuckn time to arrive; and for the next 3hrs Jodi is texting back’n’forth with Tamika, giggling away like two stupid little girls. (Read – I hate women that act like stupid little girls). This night was SUCH a hurtful huftful night for me. Tamika eventually rocked up, gleefully without apology. And continued to giggle and laugh in a bubble all of her own and Jodi’s, expressly leaving me and Paul (who had joined us later) out of the picture. And my feeble attempts at conversation were met with cold and dumbfounded stares from both Tamika and Jodi, as if to say "Sorry, who are you?" This night was the turning point for me – the one that made me move on from the idea of Jodi as being MY best friend, and I decided to make a life for myself, and to create new friendships. (Thence, The Gang). (Is "thence" even a word? Well, it is a word for now).

6mths later was September 2008 – and Jodi announces her Engagement to which my personal reaction was ‘and you expect me to jump for joy and circle some cartwheels right about now or…?’ However, I replied with a dutiful congratulations and threw in a stab , saying "Now that the rock’s on your finger does that mean we get to be girls again, hehe". Bitchy. I know. Too bad so sad. I’m never a bitch, so I thought fucket. And since then our interactions have been scarce and polite – She and Paul came to Sinjay’s BBQ dinner in October; they couldn’t make it to my Bday Cocktail night in December;  we had breakfast together a week or two later to make up for it.

DURING WHICH… at every opportunity she turned to PAUL to speak. We were the ones making conversation – more like small talk – and it was excruciatingly painful, and slow, and boring, and both me and Sinjay were wondering wtf and wanting to get out of there. And yet every time she had to answer one of our million questions she LITERALLY – TURNED HER FACE TOWARDS PAUL and SPOKE TO PAUL. Like seriously, what the fuck? It’s new behaviour. She’s never done that before. And her face was filled with SUCH air !! such superiority !! such ohhhhhhh-you-knowwwwwww-I-am-soooooooooo-greeeeeeeeeeat. It’s like , dudette, wake the fuck up. The only reason why you’re rich and snobby right now is because you’ve gotten yourself a man who’s a fuckn Civil Engineer. No thanks to YOU darling.

HONESTLY… I don’t know where she gets off. She seriously behaved on that fine day like SHE was the shit. Like we were down below. Like we don’t live in Yeerongpilly; and like we don’t have a brand new Mazda; and like we don’t have jobs in the heart of the city; and like we don’t have an income of min $100 000pa. Granted, we have none of these. But SINCE WHEN did ANY of this EVER matter with me and Jodi !?! NEVER. We ALWAYS knew she was from a snobby Catholic Girls school, and she had her first car at seventeen, and she lived in a 2storey 6bdm house, and she this and she that. And I had grown up with no food in the fridge, and holey shoes for school, and plain peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. We always knew this. But it was NEVER a part of our friendship, EVER. We were friends because the friendship was what mattered – our love and care and support for each other, our mutual interests in coffee and dancing, our love for The Beatles. For fucks sakes. You know ???

Anyhow, since that last meeting I had honestly decided to just cut ties. I didn’t care that her Wedding was upcoming in May. I thought this was IT. I wasn’t gonna have her treat me like shit. But I had a moment of weakness yesterday. I sent her an email to say Happy New Year, to ask about her holiday, and to ask about her wedding plans. Okay, moment of weakness, I know. And she replied all happily and says "I’m thinking of going Friday late-night shopping within the next few weeks, so perhaps you could join me? We could do dinner at The Casino again." I don’t see why I should accommodate to something that she’s already doing. I don’t see why we can’t have allocated Jodi & Dee time like we always did. Anyhow, I reply and tell her that I can’t do dinner because we’re saving, but coffee or a free event like meeting at The Powerhouse would be cool. She hasn’t responded.

What angers me even further is that she also said "I saw on your Facebook that your little sister was going in for an operation. I hope everything’s okay". WHERE IS THE FRIEND WHO ONCE WORRIED TO BITS ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS !?!?! WHERE IS THE FRIEND WHO IMMEDIATELY SHOWED HER SUPPORT ??? What I’m getting at is WHY DID SHE NOT RESPOND TO MY STATUS AT. THE. TIME ??? That status was from two weeks ago !!!! Why couldn’t she have just dropped in and note me on my Wall ? Is that so FUCKING hard !?!?!???! She’s NOT ONCE visited my profile ! NOT ONCE ! Not ONCE made liaison with me on Facebook.

The more I think about everything, the angrier I get. And the less I want her in my life. The less I want to go to her goddamned wedding where I’m gonna have to hang around like a downright fuck, not knowing anyone else but her, and will be expected to give a goddamned speech. I can’t NOT give a fucking speech. She gave a speech at MY wedding (when we were still close enough) and she travelled 1800kms to go to my fucking wedding !!!!! And what am I gonna say in this speech? "I always knew that the day Jodi met the man she was meant to be with I would never see her again". Hardi har har har har har. It’s so funny. Oh I’m so funny.

Cherie’s Wedding is the week after Jodi’s. I would LOVE more than anything right now to say "Sorry, we’re actually not gonna be in Brisbane the weekend of your wedding". Oh boy, THAT would be a dead and final END to the friendship for sure. You know how Weddings are. They’re MORE than a romantic public expression of love *cough cough* [the entry in which Dee is not feeling romantic at all] , they’re often A Grand Day of Politics in which family and friendship ties are shredded for good.

Anyhow, long live Friendship huh. I was always silly enough to believe wholeheartedly that Friendship was Forever. Once I gave my oath, once I gave my heart, and once I made that commitme

nt – that was IT. You had me, and you had me in your life for good. But Friendship is not forever. And maybe I’m just having a real hard time trying to deal with that right now.

When we were nineteen, I honestly saw both me and Jodi travelling together, and once we were married with kids, we would meet for coffee dates with our toddlers, and do boring Mum things together. And we would grow old and talk about our kids going to highschool and eventually Uni. And we were gonna be old old friends. And we were always going to laugh about our the haywire of the hay days, and about our crazy uni student antics. And everything. I saw our friendship EVOLVING, and growing, and nurturing, and developing, and releasing, and loving, and … but it hasn’t evolved. At all. 

It became stuck the moment she left. 

Perhaps … it didn’t become STUCK at all ….

That’s just the thing.

She left.