Hypothetical Boxes?

As Bubba’s arrival is getting closer and closer, I have once again thrown myself into "sorting things out". There were many boxes to go through – boxes that have been piled in a closet since we moved into this house, some 2 1/2 years ago. Boxes we’ve never looked at since. And now I’ve looked at them, and looked through them.

I have gotten rid of a LOT of stuff. Just stuff that you keep because you think you should. I got rid of two boxes full of Uni Notes. Yep, just notes. Scribbles from different lecture rooms over the course of 1999-2003. I flipped through most of the folders and notebooks in case I might come across old lyrics or diary entries I may have also scribbled whilst in class, but it was very boring indeed. Nothing too interesting at all.

I’ve also been through my collection of books. And I have a boxful of books that I won’t ever read, or that I’m not interested in anymore. Books on human sexuality – bought at the Bookfest when I was interested in looking into studying to become a Sex Therapist. Random reference books such as encyclopaedias, some Christian books that I know I’ll never read, and so on and so forth.

And there were the shoeboxes upon shoeboxes of LETTERS. Yes, letters from my teen years. This part was especially overwhelming.. When you skim through letter upon letter like that, you realise you how much SHARED and EXPRESSED with people back then… Perhaps when people did write letters and cards… there was more to be expressed… more ALLOWED to be expressed….? The two seconds anyone allows themselves on Facebook could never ALLOW you to pour your soul out… could it ? The illusion of "closeness" and "proximity" that Facebook presents could never give you reason enough to pour your soul out… could it? And you gain a new perspective on some friendships that you’ve long ago given up on… Or perhaps you understand the reason for why some people still keep in touch. Letters from Nao, Jazz, Barbara, Alisa, Faizah… and even some random ones from Kyles.. and even an artpiece from Ria !! Remember Ria ?! Although we were never friends DIRECTLY, I have never forgotten her and have remained curious about her all these years.

Sadly, I did not read through any letters from Neisha, and discarded of them blindly. Neisha continues to be somewhat of a sore point as I have even as recently as the last 6mths given her the opportunity to come forward and explain what happened to our friendship. And she has chosen not to.

Ones from Camilla I didn’t bother reading because that was never a DEEP friendship, and because that friendship came to a brutal end of my own accord. There was no need for the brutal end at all, but alas I was young and eighteen. Needless to say, she kept to herself (and her kids) at the Highschool Reunion and we did not say hello to each other. Somewhat sad too.. but it was never too much of a loss.

Going through those shoeboxes took me on a most wonderful journey however, and it was not to do with any of these letters from friends. Rather letters from my beautiful little sister Deity.. handmade cards from both Deity and Michael.. that TOTALLY cracked me up !! They are SO funny and SO hilarious, as they both attempt poetry with subject matter that is just silly and random… Beautiful cards signed by my whole family… beautiful cards from my Mother… Letters upon letters from my Mother… All of these truly touched my heart. I have kept every single one of these.

I went through another journey when I came across the shoebox that was filled with "Letters from Boys". Funny how the first letter I picked up was actually from Carlien. I read that letter.. as I have done a few times over the years.. and was touched by her openness and her sincerity and her honesty with me. At the time that she wrote, she was "engaged"… and she writes that OUR friendship is a "forever friendship".. that she could never let me go.. that what we’d shared and the connection we had – even months after our first night together – was undeniably "forever friendship".

I have searched for her on Facebook again recently. She still has the same profile pic. But she’s made her Wall public, so I was able to read her latest statuses, and whatever other messages her friends have left for her. Her relationship status is "engaged". (I’m sure she’s been "engaged" a few times… I think it just means to be "committed" in the lesbian world… maybe…)

And then I went through the rest of the letters that were indeed from BOYS. I had been resolute on throwing them all away – except those from Joshy. But as I flipped through them, my heart twinged and I just couldn’t get rid of too many of them.. I just couldn’t. Once again I was touched by the SHARING and EXPRESSING in those letters from different boys… Once again I am touched to realise something that I never realised back then… that boys… that men… are soft and vulnerable and very beautiful creatures.. and should be treated as such. I was so indifferent to all of that back then. I was unkind… I just wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be sexy. But I was more than that to these boys… I was a companion… I never saw it back then. Steven, Gene, Josh D, Kiki and even Peter.

I did not read any of the letters from Joshy.

It was a strange experience to deal with my past through this means… whilst currently carrying my first child, about to start a whole other phase in my life…

Somewhat refreshing to rid myself of many of those boxes… Literally and hypothetically…