Goodbye

Sometimes I wonder if I should write anything about anything. Well, certain topics. Because writing means giving significance to them, right? If they were never written, they would not exist.

I’d like to think that this whole thing is insignificant. And I guess that in a certain way… it is. It is insignificant enough for me not to be affected by it. But significant enough to make note of … because it’s history. Jodi and Dee history.

I have to admit I wasn’t in the mood to meet with Jodi today. In fact, I was feeling this way from the moment she suggested to meet. I woke this morning and decided that I wouldn’t put myself through this again.

You see, I have made a conscious decision in my life of late , that I will do things that I REALLY WANT to do, and I will spend time with people that I REALLY WANT to spend time with. And to spend time with people who WANT to spend time with ME, who want to put the effort in, and as I said to an OD friend recently – spent time with people who don’t think of it as an effort in the first place.

I drove all the way to Stones Corner, parked my car, and walked across to meet her outside Gloria Jeans as planned. As I approached her, I waved as per tradition. I don’t think she waved back. And as I got closer and closer to her I saw the expression on her face was one of discomfort. She CLEARLY did not want to be there either.

It’s hard to believe that this change has been evident over our last few meetings. In terms of our meetings (which of course have been so few and far in between over the last 2years) you could say it hasn’t taken ‘long’ for such a change. It wasn’t ‘long ago’ that her face lit up, and she waved excitedly back to me, and she threw her arms around me with a big smile on her face.

We walked from shop to shop and I found myself feeling detachedly comfortable. I talked about the things I wanted to talk about. I asked minimal questions. And if I didn’t feel like saying anything, I wouldn’t. There were many moments of silence between us. It certainly wasn’t difficult to notice that she wasn’t asking ME any questions. Not how’s Sinjay? Not how’s your family? Not how’s the cat? And not how’s Uni, or work, or your sister, or your niece, or your house! Nothing, zilch, zero, absolutely NADA.

We were polite enough. I didn’t share too much. Just enough. And she shared stuff about The Wedding – just about the only thing that she can talk about these days.

I was glad that visiting each store took no longer than 1hr and 10mins. We said goodbye with a traditional (but unfelt) hug and there was no lingering conversation, there was no "well I’ll see you soon" , and there was no "this was absolutely lovely – thankyou!". And there won’t be ensuing emails to write excitedly about what we got up to after our meeting. She told me to enjoy my Trip-planning and I said "I will do – See ya".

We both did a 180 and I’m sure that neither of us looked back at each other to do a final girly wave.

I walked away feeling absolutely nothing.

It’s sad. But I can’t give a fuck.

How can I, when she stopped loving me a LONG time ago?