Eighteen – January

[Okay, so this happens to be a hugely LONG entry… I may edit some of it]

17.01.99

It was Sabbath morning (09.01.99) and for some not-so-strange reason I just knew Joshy was gonna be at church. I tried questioning myself as to why I was suddenly so worried about what I was going to wear and why on earth was I thinking about whether Joshy would like what I was wearing or not.

Well, as I entered into church theperson whom I first caught glances with was JOshy, even as I first looked into the congregation. We both looked away, somewhat coldly, as is per usual. Still, I was happy he was there.

I sat down the back as usual and noticed Tracey and Sarah sitting not far from me. After Sabbath School, I said a huge hello to Sarah, giving her a big hug, despite Josh being there with her. I began to talk to her, then I said "Hi Josh" and extended my hand out for handshake. "How are you?" he asked. He gave me that funny little smile of his, that says ‘I’m about to crack up’ and he said after an almost insifinificant pause "Good". I continued talking to Sarah. She was telling me how she’d gone to Seaworld and that, and as Joshy kept joining in, I figured he’d gone too. I felt like an outsider. I felt uncomfortable.

Anyhow, later on I got talking to Faith and Joshy was nearby, with Michael and Chris. I could tell he was paying attention to everything I was saying. Then as I went past I made small-talk with Chris and I could sense Joshy’s eyes boring into me. As I excused myself with having to drink a little water Joshy teased "Ha-ha". He used to do that all the time when we were ‘together’. I didn’t turn to look at him so he may have thought that he went unheard, as I walked away, feeling somewhat sexy in my long slinky black dress, only a thin lilac blouse used as an overshirt and my platforms, which he’d noticed already. They’d be new according to him.

…

Anyway, after Young Peoples’ I ‘lost’ Emily as I stuck with Nik. Me, Nik, Shard and Deity went into the Childrens’ SS room, past all the youth on the verandah (including Joshy) and stayed in there talking. While I was busy writing to Paul (since Fulga had offered to deliver it), to my surprise Joshy walked in and casually next to Nik. So casually, like he saw her every day. Since when did or has he ever talked to her? "How’s it goin’?" he said. I ignored him and continued on in a world of my own. The truth is, that I feel a teeny tad uncomfortable about talking to him. He’s not the easiest person to make conversation with, unless he starts it off himself. Anyhow, after awhile, he did grab my attention with his usual teasing: Repeating what I said or immitating my hand gestures. The ball really got rolling when Emily came in and leaned forward for a hug from Josh and he leaned back, arms not budging in any effort at all whatsoever and she says to Krystal, who was at the door watching, "See? I told you" and starts to walk out. Then she says to Josh, "I wouldn’t even hug you anyway" while the rest of us are laughing our heads off, especially Josh, who replies more to himself, "Sure you wouldn’t". It was then that our eyes met in mutual understanding (after all, I think I’ve been about the only girl to get that privilege) and the ice seemed to break. The rest of the afternoon was spent talking and laughing with Nik and Josh, though it definitely seemd more like it was a one-on-one thing between me and Joshy only.

It had been quite awhile since we teased each other, since our eyes looked steadily into each others’ for seconds on end, not once looking away; since he made conversation with me; since he made mention of an invitation out to his place; since he remembered my birthday and since we spoke of more personal things like him about Gene (he NEVER talks about Gene, especially to me); and me about my house !! I enjoyed it very VERY much I must admit, but I think stopped myself from even allowing myself to fall head over feet again. But he HAS to know the minute he says "I love you again" I’d throw myself in his arms in a matter of milliseconds. He HAS to know. Surely.

Would you believe I admitted my OP16 to him? Of all people !! He was the LAST person on earth I wanted to let know !! He didn’t make me feel dum though, saying "It’s not too bad". Though I know he must think I really am DUM. Ruth came and interrupted our social interacting, inviting us all for a walk. I only wanted to be with Joshy so I’d only go with whatever he said. He didn’t want to, so no-one really wanted to either. Moments later, he decided he did want to go, so everyone went. As I went with Nik to the toilets and she came back out, I’d lost Joshy. I’d wanted to go for a walk with HIM.

Anyhow, so me, Nik, Shard and Deity went to the bridge and came back straight away and then we left. We went to Ray’s house so we got to be with him for awhile. Though I have to admit I don’t really like him anymore. He is such an airhead. I used to be able to make small talk with him. Maybe cos I used to bombard him with questions. Or he used to say the stupidest things to keep me laughing for ages but now, either those same stupid things are just not funny to me anymore, or he doesn’t really try to be friendly towards me.

…

We went back home, met Lynne who turned out to be real cool, and we stayed up gossiping about anything, anyone and everything. Emily, Trish, and The Twins. We got up early next morning and we went to Aussie World, which is this small amusement park next to that funny crooked pub I’ve always loved ! We had stacksa fun. I went on a luge ride again > horror horror !! Nah, I did okay despite it being wet cos of the drizzle. We went on the dodgem cars, these swing merry-go-round and this twister ride. I went with Shard and Nikola went with Deity. Me’n’Shard screamed our heads off, totally embarrassing Nik cos we were the only 4 on the ride !!!

…

The next day we woke up early again, caught the train adn bus to The Plaza with Nik’s friends Sherie and Angela. It was a bit annoying cos Nik’n’Shard kept arguing and arguing. Sharda is the usual 12yo blabbing on and on and on and then there’s Nikola who doesn’t understand that telling her to shut up is to totally crush her self-esteem > you know, 12yo hangin’ with the older girls! We went to the movies and saw Ever After. Drew Barrymore once again proved herself well, and that guy ? oh ! Babe. The movie was absolutely beautiful. Hopelessly romantic. My eyes did well up with tears heaps!

That afternoon we went for a swim in Sherie’s dam which was full of tadpoles !! I totally freaked but I blocked my mind off them to have fun but it’s a bit hard when both Nikola and Deity think it’s hilarious to chuck ’em on you. When we finally decided to get out, I felt the gross mushy clay under my feet and I screamed in terror and hopped back on the boogieboard. I swear Nik must’ve thought I was so posh. I could see disgust written all over her face. I felt really dum and embarrassed. I said "Forgive me! I’m just a hopeless bitch" and she goes "Yeah, we know". I knew then it was time to SHUT UP, so I did.

The following day we stayed at ho

me all day. We lazed about in our PJs till about 1pm, reading mags and singing to Alanis Morissette… The following day, Wednesday, we had breakfast at The Big Pineapple > iced chocolate and scones with strawberries’n’jam !! Back at home we watched Six Days Seven Nights. I must admit that Harison Ford is pretty goodlooking for an old dude. And Anne Heche’s real good at pretending to be in love with a man. Since she’s lesbian. Then we read more mags, swung on the hammock, rah rah…

The next day, Thursday, we got picked up by Dad, Michael and Andre Jai, and we went to The Big Pineapple (again) (though Dad hadn’t been there). Then we had hot chips for lunch and then we went to Maroochydore Beach. At first we watched major babes skating on the skating ramp. Then we went for a swim where me’n’Deity had fun in the waves. It was her first time in the deep part and when she finally let go of my hand, she seemed to be really enjoying herself.

We got home in the evening and I rang to find out if I’d been offered any place at Uni and yes, I got offered a place in the BSocSci at JCU in Townsville. I then decided to really see on a map as to how far Townsville really was and I was SHOCKED !!! Didn’t realise, I hadn’t realised how FAR it was !! Anyway, so I’ve accepted the offer, though I’m still being considered for the second round of offers, so I’m hoping I’ll get my first choice > in Toowoomba, which is MUCH MUCH closer for sure !!

Aw !! You’ll never guess what ! I’d been saving $10 for Alanis’ new CD on tap from Crazy’s (despite me guessing it would be bad recording) and I got both her CD and tape from Chris !! I went berserk I swear !! I ripped the CD parcel open in my excitment, which was a dum thing to do since I could’ve used it again myself. It was for Xmas. Oh I love him so much for that. I heard her all evening while Mum’n’Dad were out. I love her new Indian style. It’s cos she’s been to India. I can’t say which is my favourite song cos I love them all.

Saturday afternoon I went to Carol’s baptism… She’d told me over the phone she especially wanted me to be tehre because I’d helped her very much in her spiritual life !! (WHOA !! ME !?!?!?!!?!?!!?!?) So as she stood there and looked at me, i smiled reassuringly at her. I was so proud of her. Not only is she pretty, slim, and extremely feminine, sh eis also VERY smart. Very intelligent. But this time it wasn’t that which made me feel proud of her, it was the fact that no only did she have all that going, she was also spiritually mature and had decided definitely for the Lord. And *I* haven’t got the guts to do that myself.

The truth is, I’ve been wanting to get baptised for quite a number of weeks now. But I feel like I need to be ready to make a true commitment. And I can’t make a commitment when I go to the movies, listen to music (whoa), wear shorts, eat chocolate, drink coke and talk & laugh loudly non-stop. Yet leaving my music, chocolate and loud laugh would mean becoming someone who is not ME. I’m stuck. Not that *I* have a major problem with doing any of these things but the church would. See? I still have to get to see these things as bad or detrimental to my spiritual life. But are they truly? Or do I just not have a spiritual life going at all? What was that prayer of mine today? ‘Lord, I know You’re not here with me and neither is my Guardian Angel, but please watch over me from up above anyway?’ Is that a non-spiritual person? After all, I was at Dreamworld (ooh, major amusement park – EVIL) yet still finding a space in my mind to lift my thoughts up to God and uttering a tiny prayer? See where I’m stuck? How can I give up tiny things which I personally don’t feel the conviction of whether they are truly bad or not? Ohhhh dear. It’s a bug’s life !! : )

Saturday night we stayed up helping Dad make gnoccis. It was here Dad revealed to me where it was that I was conceived. It was in his dad’s Mechanics Shed, during the day, while his parents weren’t home. Though Mum came in and verified that it was at night, totally against her belief of self-dignity as a woman. As we all got talking Mum almost casually dropped on us what should have been a bombshell. It was more of a joke. She is once again PREGNANT !! Taken very lightly, I don’t think it quite HIT any of us with full force at the time. Anyway, I believe it’s gonna be a girl and I wish I could name her. Princess, I’d name her. Well, in Spanish: Princesa. Princessa.

…

On Monday I also got my info about enrolling at JCU. Pretty exciting.

…

I found out that not only is Ruth getting married to Ben (no doubt , since they’re going out) but so is Faith suddenly engaged ! To Alistair ! And Rachel B to her BF David from NZ !!

Everyone’s getting married all of a sudden ! Only Diana R, me and Trish are left at our church. But NO WAY. I am content with my plans of not getting married till my late 20’s. Cos I don’t wanna have kids. Shit man. No way. I can definitely do without them. Being an older sister, I believe, has been ENOUGH for a lifetime. There is so much that goes into educating a child !!! It’s unbelievable. And since I want to train up my TWO and only two children in the proper churchy way, God’s way, it won’t happen for a VERY long time.

And I do believe in going out for at least 2years before getting engaged.