23.02.00 (Wonderful Night With Matt)

[Entry written to my sister Deity]

You called on Monday! I was SO HAPPY to hear from you!

You know, lately I feel like a changed person. That sounds weird, I know, but I feel like, more at peace. Like, more comfortable with who I am, what makes me. I feel pretty. I feel energetic. I feel at peace.
Maybe those 4 weeks out in the country did me a lot of good. I don’t doubt it.

We went to the Drag Party on Monday night. I wore Jodi’s pinstripe black pants, a black singlet, with navy vest that once belonged to dad, my Skechers and this colourful tie Jodi bought for me from Lifeline (when Sylv’s car broke down. Later Jodi’s car broke down and she couldn’t go to work. And I thought I’D been stressing – union fees due). I put my hair in a ponytail halfway through the night, though I had it down to begin with. And we drew moustaches. Mine looked like Salvador Dali’s !!

Tammy and Kristy came ’round and they looked great! We took pictures and we were off.

Just as we’d entered the club, the girls bumped into Matt! I was SO happy to see him! I’d made up my mind that if I were to see him, I’d be happy to see him and I’d talk to him and that would be it.  Well, for the first few minutes I only felt friendly feelings towards him. I was not going to go out of my way for him and it worked quite well cos at that moment I wasn’t feeling like I was falling for him at all.
We talked a bit and soon I realised that he was mostly paying attention to what *I* was saying, instead of Sylv, even though we were saying basically the same things.
And then he left to be with Mark.

I didn’t feel like I cared whether I was to spend time with him or not. And I was dancing, having fun with Jodi, Sylv, Tam and Kris. After a few songs, I went to get myself a drink of water and as I was heading back towards the dancefloor I saw Matt, so I walked near where he was, on purpose, and he immediately introduced me to some guy who changed his name 3 times while I was there. I stayed there with Matt and from then on, for some reason, our group was always near his – Mark, him and Leona.

Matt, of course, as always, coming and going. Halfway through the night, he fully joined us and stood next to me as we all danced. I was so happy he’d come to join me, I knew he joined ME. I let my hand fully stroke his back down to his waist and I realised he wasn’t jerking away or moving so that he’d stand next to me. (At this stage, he was in front of me).  I kept touching him freely and occasionally he’d turn around so that it’d be like only us 2 were dancing together. We put our arms around each other and smiled at each other. I was so happy to have him there with me.

He left after that and gosh, Leona’s a bitch. She comes up to me and she goes, "What’s the deal with Matt?" "I dunno," I replied with a defiant smile, "I never know." Then she said something that I didn’t quite hear and I said, "Pardon?" She smiled lazily and said, "Noth-ING." pronouncing each syllable carefully.  I didn’t want to show her that I cared cos sometimes I just think that she just likes to confuse me. So I kept dancing. Then I said, "Why, is he yours’ too?" She goes, "Whadda ya mean TOO?" I said, "Well, because, I make myself believe that he’s mine." "No no no," she replied, "I swear to God he’s not mine." She said this in a manner that most certainly did not seem convincing to me. I laughed and said, "Yeah SURE!" And again she said in the same way. It’s the kind of manner in which you can tell she’s not even really trying to convince me.

To be honest, it’s gotten to the stage where I don’t care. If he has his screwing sessions with her, then good for him. And I mean it. But I can tell you, I’d be thinking quite differently if we were together. So maybe we are better off this way.

Anyway, she went straight over to him and was obviously telling him everything because he wasn’t laughing, as he usually is when she’s talking to him. She seems to be able to make him laugh so easily.

For some reason I’m not jealous of her anymore. I like her. I’ve always liked her. And have always admired her, and okay, so she’s sexy awright! But now, it’s more like I KNOW that if they do have some little arrangement, I know it’d only be a screw with her. But with me, well, he really likes me. I can tell. I can feel it. And if not, well, at least their arrangement is not allowed to be shown in public.

Anyway, the last half of the right, I ended up spending it with him. He’d be sitting on the stool and I’d stand between his legs, putting my arms around him, and we’d talk, laugh, joke… Everything is so relaxed with him. I feel so comfortable with him now. I’m fully myself. I don’t know how that’s come about but I reckon it’s to do with what I was saying earlier on – me feeling comfortable with who I am.

He was being so CUTE !! He gave himself away so many times. He doesn’t usually say little I-like-you things. I’ll try remember them all and list them:-

* We were dancing together and I was keeping my distance a little bit and he said, "Come hee-yah!" as he pulled me towards him! Aaargh. Drives me crazy.

* Once, during Mambo No 5, where it goes "A little bit of you makes me your man", I pointed to him and danced towards him, moving my tie from side to side. He said, "Hay, I’m supposed to be saying that." I leaned over and looked at him steadily in the eye and said, "Well, SAY IT." And he just laughed his cute little laugh.

* He bought me a drink

* He entwined his legs around  mine as I stood in front of him (Once, *I* was on the stool and he was fully leaning himself against my thigh, I could feel his hard manhood against it).

* He pointed out the fact that it would be a year (in two days) since we met, when I told him that I met him at the Beach Party last year

* I put my tie on him and tightened it around his neck, he said "Are you strangling me Diossah?" Then he said, "Why should I wear a tie?" I leaned over and said into his ear, "Cos you’d look good in one."  "Nah, fuck off." he said. I said, "Yes you would. But you look good anyway."  "Aw fuck off."  "Honestly, I’m serious."  "Aw, what am I supposed to say to that?" I cupped his face and said gently, "You’re supposed to say Thank You." And then he said, putting on a polite voice, though I could see he meant it, "Why, thank you Diossah, for the nice compliment that you have given me."
And also he said my name a lot. That’s a dead giveaway. He never usually mentions my name.

* We had little jokes going on. I was dancing and he goes, "Why don’t you get up there and dance?" pointing to the little table near us.  "I would," I replied. He didn’t believe me, "No you wouldn’t."  "Yes I would."  &q

uot;No you wouldn’t."  "YES I WOULD."  "No you wouldn’t. You wouldn’t do that sorta thing."  I said, "Okay, I will." and started heading towards the table. "No no no. Okay, I believe you. I believe you," he said as he pulled me back to him. I said, "I dance up on the stage all the time."  "Which stage?"  "Bullies, The Bank, The Exchange. Everywhere."  "No, no you don’t."  "I do."  "You wouldn’t do that."  I leaned over and said, "I’ll just have to dance for YOU then."  "Ooooohhhh!" he said, surprised. I think he said, "BABY!!" he laughed straight after that saying, "Nah." Then he pulled me in and said in my ear, "The BED can be the stage."   I go, "YEAH!!" as I moved my hips and he laughed, REALLY surprised at my reaction!! He was probably expecting something like "Hay!"

* Another joke: well, he’d been really touchy-feely with me the whoel time and once he said, "Whadda ya doin’ tonight?" I said, "We’re going home." And I’m thinkin’ ‘No I’m NOT inviting you home.’  "What about you?" I said. And I’m thinking, ‘No I’m still not inviting you home.’  And then he said, "Nothin’". And I’m thinking, ‘Nope. Not inviting.’
Then he says in my ear later on, "Would you mind if we caught a cab from your place?"  I thought briefly and said innocently, "I don’t mind." Then I’m screaming in my head, "DEE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE ?!!?" But then I was like ‘Well, *I* was NOT the one to invite.’ And thinking about that made me feel so good.

Anyway, later on, outa the blue, I said "I haven’t got a bed."  "Awwwwww!" he was like, ‘Well, what the hell are we gonna do then?’ (You can tell he’s never done it anywhere else).
"You mean you’re on the floor?"
"Yep." I said, nodding slowly.
"Aw! Aw. What? Aw."
Then I laughed and said, "Nah! I’ve got a mattress."
"On the floor?"
"Yep"
Then he said in my ear, "Well at least you haven’t got a bed that creaks."
I said, "My bed doesn’t creak ."
Then he said, somewhat shocked and jealous, "Have you tried it?"
I leaned over and said, "BY MYSELF !!" And he was so SHOCKED at my response !! 🙂 He was like "Awwwwwww!!" and laughing.
Then he drew me towards him and we hugged.

* When he bought me the drink he saw me gulp it down (c’mon, it’s only vodka/raspberry – TOO sweet for me) and he was really shocked. "Bit thirsty there Diossah?" I smiled cutely and nodded.
Later he asked, "Did you like the drink?"  "Mmm hell yeah!"  Then he began to rub his fist against his chest like saying ‘Geez I’m good’.  And I said playfully , just as I do with Chris, "Man, you’re THE MAN."  And he briefly replied, "And YOU’RE The Woman" and we laughed. I felt so good. He’s the man, I’m the woman. Perfect Puzzle.

* Once , everybody left – Jodi, Sylv, Tam and Kris. And we were hugging and then I let go and as I looked around, there seemed to be a whole heapa space around us. I said to him, "Look. We’re in the middle."  "They’re gone!"  "Yep. They went outside."  "Will they leave without us?"  "No. No they won’t."  Then he says, "Everyone’s GONE! It’s just you and me Diossah! Alone! It’s just YOU and ME. Nobody else."  I smiled and hugged him again. He was driving me crazy!

I was talking to Sylv last night. About him. How I love him. Yes. It’s gotten to the stage now where I have fully admitted that… I love him. And I don’t think I’m just saying it. I love him. I’m in love with him. I respect him.  But I’m letting go…. cos I’m not going out of my way for him anymore. They say you learn to treasure when you don’t have it anymore. I’m hoping he’ll realise that I won’t be around anymore and perhaps realise that he loves me?

Anyway, Sylv says that when they went outside, Tam turned to tell us to come along and just then, we were kissing and she goes, "Um… YES. We’ll just go." 🙂 That would’ve been the first time Kris and Tam saw me & Matt together. Cuddly, kissy, etc. I could tell they were like, eyeing each other.

That was the only time we kissed. And it was hardly anything. We were looking into each others’ eyes and we leaned our foreheads together, still looking into eaach others’ eyes. I love it when he does that. And I noticed his eyes looking at my lips and going sleepy and he was dancing, his lips closer and I’m thinking ‘Okay, so I’m about to kiss him.’ We barely, very softly, brushed our lips together. My tongue softly slipped in for a brief millisecond and we let go. I knew he wasn’t 100% comfortable, with people all around and for the first time, I wasn’t either. We both looked around and smiled liek saying ‘Yeah I know, you cutie’. And I cupped his face with my hands.

I love his curls. I love running my fingers through his curls. Beautiful curls.

Anyway, I had fun and I loved it. Enjoyed every minute that I was with him.

Oh, Sylv says that she coudl tell that he was watching all the time where I was, where I went. And when I was talking to guys, he’d come near and privately suss him out, to see if he was friend or foe. I didn’t even catch on to that! That’s so CUTE!! See, it proves that he cares. That he likes ME. And he likes me for HIM.

He didn’t end up comin’ ’round cos Mark was waiting for him. What an excuse. But I’d say he didn’t have money. He seemed really upset and disappointed.

To be honest, it was okay by me. I’m not going out of my way and besides I was VERY tired.