you.

worry.
i worry about you nonstop. i’m so scared something is going to happen to you and i can’t be around to stop it. ive lost too many people that i dont think that i can lose you too. i dont want to. i cant. you’ve become my world. we’ve had so much stress on us and its murdering us.
exhaustion.
no sleep catches up to you after awhile. i really need to stop staying up till sunrise and getting up for work two or three hours later. then working even longer hours than scheduled and coming home and knowing that if i nap im never going to get to bed that night and then ending up repeating the same schedule. the only thing that’s worth it is that i get to talk to you all night, even if we fight most of it..
longing.
i want to be with you so badly. being in your arms makes me feel better. it makes me feel like im someone. and i matter. i think about you nonstop. all i do is wish that i could be with you again. i wish that you could come home early and i wouldnt have to put up with another month and a half without you. its been twenty days… i cant wait to feel you again. emotionally and sexually.. because we cant stay away from the latter ;]
needing.
i need you. you’ve made me get past a really difficult hurdle and it captivated me that you would fight so hard to get me. you helped me move on. i need to be with you again.
depression.
every. single. night. i’ve had to stop myself from grabbing a knife or a candle or match or lighter or something and scarring myself. i want to. so badly. physical pain is so much better than emotional. especially at night. if i cut myself enough i dont think about whats really wrong for the night then in the morning when im fairly back to normal i dont dwell on things like i do at night. i just want to bleed.
the lack of you is the third worst feeling ive ever felt, and believe me, ive been through emotional hell. so top three is prestigious.
empty.
i feel like im nothing. im a shell. im just here going through what you would probably call my life and im just a machine programmed to autorun. its not like i think anymore. i just see what time i work, show up, do work, and go home. occasionally get fucked up but really, in almost three weeks, ive been fucked up maybe 3 times. and only one night incredibly fucked up. without you i’m nothing. you are my world. i am your purpose.
alone.