i wonder…

…if every time we hang up at night you cry yourself to sleep like I do.
…if you really aren’t worried about losing me as much as I am about losing you.
…if you are gonna keep this breakup really lasting months.
…if I’ll ever be strong enough to show you that I’m okay and not going crazy like I really am.
…how you would feel if I acted as cold to you as you do to me most of the time.
…how you expect me to be perfectly fine after six days. Hell, you expected me to be fine after three.
…if you care.
…if I’m wasting my time waiting. Part of me is yelling at myself and telling myself to get over it now just in case, so I don’t get hurt later while the other part of me is whining about how much I love you and how I don’t want to be without you.
…why you’re so short with me and why you’re flipping out so easy when we’re technically not in a relationship.
…if you sit there checking your phone and trying to think of excuses to text me if I haven’t broken down and texted you first.
…if you’ll care enough to remember that I said I was going to start writing in my opendiary again.
…how you don’t understand that I’m going to be heartbroken no matter how much i understand the situation.
…why you assume so much about how I feel and what I say and its meanings.
…if you think about me as much as I think about you.
…why you don’t admit how you’re feeling to me. You only tell me you’re upset if I pull it out of you and then you flip.
…if I should try to move on or wait.
…how you can do this when you see how it’s affecting me and if it’s affecting you the same way.
…if you really want to see me or if you’re just trying to appease me.
…why you expect me to be okay.

I honestly feel like my heart is split into pieces. I have a heavy feeling in my stomach and I feel the same weight in my heart. I’m shaking. I’m not eating. I’m barely sleeping and when I do fall asleep I can’t bring myself to wake up. I check my phone constantly before you text me at night just to see if maybe I didn’t feel the vibrate somehow. I want to text you when I wake up. I want to call you on my walk to work. I want to know that you’re still thinking about me. I’m sorry, I’m a girl. I need to be reassured. Especially since I’ve been hurt before. Three and a half years and that went completely wrong so that’s what Im bracing myself for. I don’t get how you are standing this. All I want to do is be with you, kiss you, hold you and be held, curl up and cuddle, act stupid with each other. Hanging up with you and you being silly made me smile but then made my heart hurt too. I’m scared you’re just forcing yourself to still interact with me. But of course, if I ever ask any of this, you flip.

But most of all, I wonder if you still love me…