Andddd I’m back.

Lets just get this straight.
I don’t care what you think.
If you’re going to preach about how messed up I am and all that shit, I know I’m messed up. I’ll delete your comments and not pay any mind to what you say. I don’t care if I offend you, I dont care if you think what I say is wrong.
Now that we have that covered….
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Oh playlist, oh playlist. How do I love thee. From Dashboard to Thursday to From Autumn to Ashes? Yey being absolutely fucked up in the head! Tehe.
Holy fucking shit I’m in such a sarcastic bitch mood.
And I have work in uh seven hours. Fucking hell. I LOVE how I’m stuck with two managers again and I’m the only associate tomorrow. I work in a clothing store by the way with 12 workers, 4 managers 8 associates. Uhm. The managers work sometimes, it depends on the day. And 4 of us associates work. Yup. Only four. The others all decide that they’re lazy and dont do anything but hide out in the back and check their phones.
And I’ve been working way too much lately. How abouttt like 37 hours in a week. For a parttime job. Yup.
Hmm… lets see.. what else is going on…

So if you go back a couple years and you see when I was suicidal and depressed and lonely and felt like absolute shit, you’ll know exactly how I am now.
Lovely, isn’t it?
Wow you can post to twitter and facebook from this? What is life coming to? I hate my generation so much…
I remember when OD was like legit.
Anywayyyyyyyyyy.
So like. My boyfriend is in Brazil. Which is killing me. Because for two months I spent every day with him and now I havent seen him since the 3rd and I won’t see him till August 4th. Yeah. 62 days. and we have I believe 43 days left. It’s going kind of fast. I don’t know. I miss him like hell. He’s the first guy to actually take my mind off of my ex. Cause ya know the bitch I am gets my ex to break up with me and was absolutely miserable because of it. Cause I never wanted it. But Gian’s amazing to me. Cept he doesn’t know how to deal with me yet. Joe still does, he deals with me more than he really should actually. I don’t know how he hasn’t fully gotten rid of me yet. I don’t know how either of them haven’t. All I am is a bitch and I deserve to die.
It’s not like anyone really gives a shit about me anyway. My family bitches at me nonstop and they really dont pay any attention to me anymore. I’m just the one that sleeps here and showers. I barely eat here. Ooh food is a good topic.
Anorexia? I think yes. I’m like absolutely huge and I haven’t lost enough weight yet. I’m thinkin like another hundred pounds. Maybe eighty. Ugh I’m so sick of being fat. So. If I can actually get up my self control like I used to have, I’m gonna do it again. Stupid Joe getting me out of it. -.- Thanks a lot.
I’ve been thinking about picking up a knife again. Thinking. Haven’t done it yet. Haven’t done it in awhile. My nights have been getting worse and worse. Like. I’ll just crash immediately out of nowhere. And then times, especially if Gian and I fight, I’ll not stop crying for hours and stay up all night. I’ve seen a lot of sunrises lately. And the longer I stay up the worse I get the closer I get to grabbing a knife and slitting my wrists, or ODing. Because I always said that I’d OD. Kinda ironic that my blogsite is abbreviated to OD. I’ve got such bad ADD lately..
It’s not like any of my friends really care. Gian and Joe are the only two who seem to. Only ones who seem to care about hanging out with me or anything. I have to message everyone else to hang out which really drives me insane because most of the time I do and they’re busy. I’m just absolutely worthless, I know it. They could at least tell me that they never want to hang out with me. That would be nice instead of me just trying to get the picture from them never hanging out with me.
Oh yeah, Happy fathers day! . . . That fucking murdered me last night. Like. I read postsecret and cried for hours. Theres a memorial for him on Friday, and his anniversary of the death is Saturday. Fuck. My. Life.

Okay I think I’m done for the night. I’ve got to get to sleep for work, though I’ll probably just cry myself to sleep. And if there’s anything you really dont understand, go to the diary Atearofapathy. Theres gaps in this diary that are filled in with that. I’m strange, I know.

All I want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep forever..

Picture yourself in a nightmarish scene of such grotesque complexity that you’d kill to be dreaming. Your body’s been dying and your mind has been trying to make you picture a life where where you’d kill for your lover and a song in your head. The deaths of countless others simply set up the lyrics for your symphony. That’s where you’ll find me.