Never again

There are experiences in my life that no one else will understand as there is for everyone and with my decision to come off my medication I have been thinking a lot about what it took me to start to recover. It’s a scary time in my life that I never want to have happen again.

November 17th was one of the worst days of my life.

I had woken up still drunk from the night before, I felt desperate and hopeless. My kids didnt want to be around me and I couldn’t remember what I had done the night before and I didnt want to face anyone I just laid in bed I slept in my aunts house that night.

I decided I was done I just didnt want to live another day. I had a bottle of liquor and I went to the bathroom and took a sheet hung it from the closet and decided I was done.

Well in my drunk state I didnt exactly tie it right and someone I dont remember walked in I was just lying on the bathroom floor with a sheet and I resolved to go to bed and figure it out in the morning.

I woke up with a flashlight in my face and it was the police. I was really drunk I’d like to put that out there I was extremely intoxicated. They told me that someone had called worried I was going to do something and they asked if I had taken anything which I told them no because I hadn’t I said I was just sleeping and told them to leave me alone (not in a nice way).

They told me they needed to take me to the hospital well I decided that was not going to happen so I punched the officer. Soon the room was filled with police and I was bound I was going to take on each one. So I started biting kicking punching every officer that walked in the room I was screaming at the officers that they were doing it because they had small dicks and they want to feel like men. I called them every name I could come up with.

Soon they pulled tasers out and I was tackled from behind and placed in handcuffs, leg cuffs, and a spit guard over my head and lead to an ambulance.

I don’t remember the ride there at all. I remember waking up briefly in the ER and the doctors telling the officers to remove the cuffs and as soon as that was done I started to attack the officers again along with two male nurses in the room. I was soon sedated and restrained again. I dont remember much for a while after that.

When I woke up I was not restrained I was more sober I was in a terrible paper gown and I was sweating terribly there was a nurse sitting at my door and I was on suicide watch. Soon I was moved to a safe room which is what I consider to be a storage unit because they pull down these door things that look like storage unit doors that cover everything in the room the sink the windows medical supplies just everything.

I thought I was really smart and I didnt remember much of what had really gone on the night before I still have much of it that I was told about that I do not recall I thought I was going to be able to talk my way out of it and go home.

It was not my first time in the storage unit room it was my 4th time. The only other time I was admitted was when I decided to detox two months before.

So they sent in a counselor from the crisis team to evaluate me and I thought for sure I was going home in fact the the first guy said and I quote “I dont think we are going to hold you Ive called your aunt she’s going to pick you up”

Well my guess is that my aunt talked to the doctor because I was not released. I was admitted.

I spent 10 days there before going to rehab for my 4th time. Those days and how I improved are also a long story.

So I have been recalling those days and that experience along with my first stay and I have decided I am not going off my medication. I drank last night 12 shots which is good that’s all I bought and this morning I woke up with this horrible fear that I will go down that road again and I just cant do that to myself my children my husband or my family. I dont want to be that person. I’d rather be fat and happy then go down the path I have been down so many times before.

I was very lucky I didnt end up in jail, it is the second time I attacked officers.