First day… what it was like

I actually felt better after writing about how I ended up in a psychiatric ward. So I decided to write about my first day. The good the bad and the ugly.

After being transferred from the ER to the unit I knew what to expect since this was my second time being admitted to the unit. I still was on a 1 on 1 which meant I had a nurse with me at all times.

What I found surprising was how I recognized the faces of the nurses I spent three days the first time I was there. I was shown to my room which was to my surprise the same exact room I had before.

When you first get there you are given scrubs with the name of the Unit written across the chest in sharpie. You are watched as you change into the outfit to make sure you dont have anything on you, you also have to lift your bra and pull down your underwear quickly for them to see. The first time I went I had an e cig hidden in my bra since you can not smoke on the ward which I lifted my bra holding on to the ecig and had it with me the whole time.

Normally they would go through your belongings however being brought in the way I was I had nothing on me except my cell phone my aunt brought me when she came which they locked in a locker next to my room.

The ward is set up in sort of a square, when you first arrive you walk down a short hall with a laundry room and a locked supplies room. The ward is set up with a nurses station and a med room in the middle along with the open area that patients can sit at tables and play card games, draw, eat, everything really in that one large room. Along the outside of that area is the patient rooms I’d say there’s 15-20 rooms all single rooms except for 1 that is for some reason a double room.  There is a TV room which the doctors use as their office for no reason except I think to drive people crazy (crazier? HAHA) my room was directly left to the TV room with only one room left to me.

There are a few types of rooms in there I am sure there’s a reason why some rooms have bolted beds and almost plastic sinks and others are more like hospital rooms I am not sure my room was quite large there was a bed bolted to the middle of the floor a safety sink (looks like plastic) a large window with plexi glass covering the shades and a bathroom with a safety toilet and shower (turns out I was lucky to have the safety shower as other rooms have a button that you have to keep pressing every 60 seconds which meant no hot water) the bathroom door was soft foam and looked like a stall the door was held on with magnets that could be pulled off if they felt they needed to bust in.

So I went to lunch and I will say I was incredibly angry about being there I mean I was mentally planning my escape and anger was written all over my face. I wanted to be left alone but this woman came and sat at my table and introduced herself as Dawn. Someone should have warned me about this bat shit crazy woman (I’m bat shit crazy too so I’m allowed to say that) So she sits at my table and starts telling me I should be proud of myself for taking the first steps and getting myself help feeling so not in the mood I simply looked at her and said “I was arrested and brought here against my will by the police” She then says to me “Those are not the cops those are people on bath salts that go around pretending to be police and the government wont do anything about it”

Then she starts telling me that she can feel my negative energy and she will put a formal complaint against me harassing her with my aura then she took her apple and randomly through it at another patient.

God she was literally the worst thing about being there. I was told that we needed to go to nurses group which is great the first day when you dont know what’s going on but extremely annoying everyday because its the same thing everyday. They go over all the rules, the schedule, you set a goal for yourself for the day, sign up if you need to do laundry. You are also told if you have to attend all groups or if you only need to do some (some are addiction, sexual abuse recovery, art, AA, anger, stretching I don’t know there’s like 10 groups a day) I was put on all groups which was actually better because there is nothing worse than sitting looking at a wall waiting for time to pass.

There are pay phones in the main room that have the shortest call its kind of mean to give you a chair only to realize the chain is so short you cant sit while you talk the pay phones are pay phone like but they dont cost to call and I spent my first day skipping most groups on the phone begging people to get me out of there crying to anyone who would listen that it was a mistake all I ended up getting was my aunt telling me she would bring me clothes and some things to read.

I had my meeting with my “team” right before dinner the first day where I thought I could talk my way home I had refused any medications for withdrawals which I was suffering from because I knew that they wouldn’t release anyone on medication like that I had to appear like I wasn’t sweating and shaking it was a rough day. My doctor didnt buy anything I said and I found out the worst news she had called DHS on me since I was a suicide attempt while my kids were in the house and I was told that they would be in after dinner. I was so angry at that woman. It was my worst fear. I slammed out of there.

Dinner is interesting there are plastic plates no butter knives and you are issued a fork but it must be signed in and out. They check to see if you are eating knowing that I had an eating disorder on my record and going to prior treatments on that I knew no matter what I had to finish those plates or they would add that to my list of reasons they could hold me there.

I left dinner and asked to speak to my doctor again and told her I wanted to sign myself out. I was told they were working on blue papering me and if I tried to release myself I would be held longer I begged them not to blue paper me and I agreed to stay until release.

I then met with the DHS worker which was really nice and actually told me some advice that helped me recover she told me that on an airplane there is a reason you are told to put your air mask on first so you can help your children and she told me that I needed to use this as my life mask so I could better take care of my children. She also saw that I had a great support system and although the kids were home they had no idea anything that had happened which I wasn’t aware of I didnt know where the kids were in the house when the police came however my cousin took them to the game room in the basement and they were playing Mario party which I was really relieved to know. I love my kids with all my heart and it honestly was at the point that I realized how sick I was that I really thought killing myself would have been better for my kids then being there with them.

I then called my children that evening and talked to them for a long time and I realized how scared they were of losing me and how they missed me before I got sick. They had really been through hell and they just wanted me better.

I couldn’t sleep that night its very hard to sleep with someone coming in every 15 minutes.

I decided that night that I had to change I had to recover. Since I couldn’t sleep I went to the day room middle room whatever and I talked to a nurse that I had been really rude too both this time and the last time I had been there and we talked for hours and I really learned how much these people cared.

I found out they had a drawer full of things like tooth paste, tooth brushes, hair ties, brushes, shampoo, reading glasses just random things and she told me that so many people come in like I did and its the worst day for them and they have nothing so the nurses buy things that people may need to make them feel more comfortable and it was true I couldn’t even comb my hair I had nothing my first two days. Honestly there was a lot that went in during that time I spent Thanksgiving there instead of with my kids but I met the most amazing people both patients and nurses. It was absolutely a life changing time in my life that I am not embarrassed by I needed the help and I was so sick I really didnt see it. Now that’s not to say I didnt try to get released every single day because yes I did but I am glad I was kept there for those 10 days because if I had left sooner I would have gone back to the way I was.