Romance is Dead

All hail the new king Sadness.

Bonjour! 

I figured that since a lot of my entries are ridiculously depressing. Given that I have severe chronic depression, psychomotor agitation, self esteem issues and such, it’s no surprise. However I am going to attempt to write a positive entry and change the tone of the diary. Which like my wardrobe and choice of clothes for work is entirely black with a few white t-shirts in there, easily outnumbered 20:1. I dress outwards how I feel inwards. However I will not change the diary colours. Black is classy! 

I think I am getting some new found confidence through work. My lovely mother said to me that once I get a full time job it would be the making of me. I am inclined to believe her. I though the idea of disappearing everyday and not being able to play games and only having 2 days a week to spend my money would such ass! But think of all the money! 

The reality is that I don’t get to game and there is no money as I save literally 45% of it every month for things such as Xmas, Eve’s Birthday and holidays that Eve has booked for us. I’ve only ever booked one holiday in my life. The week for Eve’s birthday when we were snowed in this log cabin under a lot of snow and spent the entire time in the hot tub slow cooking ourselves. It was good fun! I would like to book more holidays.

So yes, I think I am getting more confident. I am only ever really angry inwards, I am never angry outwards. I may say that I am pissed off but guaranteed 99.99999% of the time I am angry inwards and that’s a good thing as I like to think that it makes me more approachable. However there is an issue with one of my products in work which will explode and will shower people in battery acid yet the factory is refusing to admit there is a problem. They want the company to pay $5500 for an issue which is there fault for a remould of the product which they don’t need. They just fucked up the wiring! It just needs a solder gun and about 20 seconds per unit to change! Anyway the factory (being in China) are refusing to admit there is an issue and avoiding any suggestions to save face which is a part of the Chinese culture. I like the idea of saving face but being Western and being me, I own up to my mistakes, which is not a slight om China, I am merely highlighting the cultural difference which is causing the issue.

So I said… This is unacceptable. Then wrote a stern email (without swears, I am a consumate professional) I didn’t think I ever had it in me to blame someone else and demand satisfaction! 

SIR I DEMAND SATISFACTION! PISTOLS AT DAWN SIR!

Except the factory manager is a woman so maybe pistols at dawn Miss. It just felt kind of empowering to be A) solving the problem and B) doing so in a professionally aggressive manner. I can take charge in situations in real life but that is only to get things moving along. It just felt good after so long to express my distaste and have my 2 pence worth of thoughts thrown into the mix. I said to her if she ignored my emails then I would have no issues but to escalate the issue to the powers that be in our respective organisations which for me is a good thing as then I am seen as being capable and doing my job and not taking crap and being a general strong character. However for the factory manager this meant going way over her head to the chap who runs a whole series of these factories and is very successful. I can imagine that it didn’t go down to well. Point being, they either fix it or I tell the buying director who knows a good bit about QA and is a legend (as he gets shit done) that we can’t let this order onto the market in my opinion and realistically we can only cancel the order then. It’s a tough call especially seeing as i’ve only been in the job 4 months.I’m also doing a QA managers job but without the salary or the title. When the QA manager left I got all his work. Which was a huge risk for the company but the managers thought I had it in me. The Directors seemed a bit surprised at this but here I am managing it all and getting products shipped, safely, with full documentation and to top quality. That’s my job.

I guess after feeling I am crap at everything, to be good at something and to be recognised and rewarded with responsibility feels really good. It’s empowering. One of the QA managers said that I would go far and that I would make a lot of money, which made me very happy. I want to have a position of Responsibility and have the salary and title that goes with it. The HR director said that all the work I had been doing and all the extras to save the company time and money is not going unrecognised and the board of directors know my name and for all the right reasons.

CONFIDENCE! 

I think I am still lacking on the whole sex appeal thing. Though I was reading the MIND website which is a mental health charity reading about what I can do to kind of help ease of the depression without seeing a Doctor just yet or at all. They had advice which said that I should take care of my personal appearance. It struck me that I had said to Eve earlier in the day that I look like a mess on the outside because I am a mess on the inside. I wear dark colours and don’t dress fashionably, it’s just whatever feels comfortable and sometimes that is a mad mish mash.

I am clean mind, I should note here that I shower every day. I can’t stand feeling or being dirty, but my image is something that I care little about. It hit me that if I looked better on the outside then maybe I will feel better on the inside. It’s always nice when someone compliments you on the way you look or if you catch someone checking you out. I mean I’m very happily taken and would never do anything about it obviously haha but you know what I mean. It feels kind of good. I would like someone to say that I am something other than CUTE! Cute is the word people use when you are not good looking! Aw you’re not classically good looking but you are cute. Eve said I wasn’t classically good looking but also said that Johnny Depp wasn’t too, but he has charisma, apparently I have charisma in work, so I think it maybe a confidence issue. I was very confident before the whole depression thing started. Man it was awesome. I just don’t like being called cute. 

I would like to be more stylish and confident though as I will feel better and I think looking positive on the outside may make me feel a bit better on the inside. This does not mean growing my facial hair back to get my "Inner Johnny Depp " as some people used to say. However I am growing a Moustache and possibly a goatee for MOVEMBER! 

I got onto the charity committee in work and I think it would be good if guys could raise money for Testicular Cancer. My Dad had cancer in his gums and whilst he was at the hospital he met a guy who had testicular cancer who unfortunately didn’t make it. My Dad did and I think how lucky we all are to have him and yet that guy didn’t make it and his family lost him and how horrible that would be. So I am growing a moustache for Movember in work for my Dad and that guy who didn’t make it but helped my Dad and I will hopefully be getting everyone else to grow some facial hair too! Even the women!

 

Eve hates facial hair. She has said she wouldn’t go near me with a moustache however I explained that it was for a good cause and whilst I know she will hate every day it is on my face, it is for a good cause and I think she respects that. We only had a quick talk about it in the tram but I’d hope she would support me, even if it means me looking like more of a tit than usual? So yes, facial hair will make a comeback to raise money for a great cause! 

I found my music on my hard drive, JACK OFF JILL BABY! I say it every time, man I fucking love them! I spilled beer all down Jessicka and she said "Honey, you got me all wet" 

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH GIGGITY FOR THIS SITUATION! Though being the younger, more charistmatic and slightly drunken at the time me, I retorted with something fantastically dirty and witty off the cuff razor sharp and super fast. I got a hug and a kiss. This makes me smile.

On that bombshell, I shall try and find something to make Eve breakfast in bed though this may backfire and end up being no breakfast in bed but the chores being done.

(S)aint x