Confidence (explicit)

Bonjour! It has been a while and whilst I am writing an entry in work outside of work hours, my body clock has adjusted to my new pattern and so I wake before 6am everyday now. Even on weekends as I discovered yesterday and today. Sad times. The entry I am writing in work is all about my new job and for once it feels like my life has actually gone somewhere! That’s excluding relationships, usually I feel they are going somewhere and it’s usually down the shitter (pardon my French.) If past relationships where a computer game I’d have rage quit by now and threw my controller really hard at the wall before cursing the console and calling it a dirty cheating horrible little so and so, before then apologising to it, because there good were good times but on the whole it was still just settling me up to fail. The shameless whore! (Love saying that, again pardon my french.)

 
So really I am writing because I’m up really early, Lee is snoring and saying something about speakers and multi player in his sleep which sounds about right, I feel a bit ill, given that I had chicken strips, a 20oz mega steak and then a foot tall sundae last night, again sounds about right. Finished the lot! Manly as fuck 
 
Eve says I stress to much about the relationship, which cannot be an attractive quality in a man. I get very paranoid which is one of the lovely symptoms of depression. I guess I just need the reassurance. I replay every mistake and failure over and over in my head and only someone who has or has had depression will understand that. It’s like being bullied, 24-7 by yourself. 
 
I guess I just don’t feel attractive, at all. I’ve lost any mojo I had. I feel like I have no spunk (not that kind), no get up and go anymore. Everything seems mechanical. I find great solace in work, I guess because it’s so new and if my managers are to be believed I have a sort of natural aptitude for it. So that is pleasing. Though it’s nearly 3 hours commuting each day which gives me plenty of time to bully myself. 
 
As I said, I don’t feel attractive, I know I’m not good looking, there are pictures all over my diary which justify that. I’m not winning any awards. I’ve no mystery like James Bond, no sex appeal like Mr Gray (though I could easily out kinky him. Maybe, maybe not.) I’ve no presence when I walk into a room, I am invisible, easily forgettable, pathetic and socially inept. My forgetfulness is annoying, my attempts to be bright and happy, even more annoying and it seems all romance has left me. I used to love romance, now I just feel crushed. It’s that inability to feel anything that terrifies me, Eve has said that I moan all the time and I can’t help it. Everything has lost it’s sparkle. The world is cold and grey and I feel like furniture in a long forgotten corner of a long forgotten room in a long forgotten house in a long forgotten part of town. Long forgotten. 
 
I’m scared that I will lose Eve if I don’t change because I’ve been awful lately, work is so draining that I fall asleep by about 10pm, she has so many new things going on and I feel I could support her more but it’s like I’m looking at my life from a 3rd person view I feel so disconnected from it.  
 
I don’t feel useful or needed/wanted I guess, that’s a huge issue for me. I see everyone else as having something more to offer. I think Eve is far out of my league and every time I tell her I like her which is often (part habit, part fear of losing her) she replies ‘lies’ and I don’t know if she is teasing me or whether she actually believes it is lies. It’s grinding me down sometimes because now I feel like I’m not trying hard enough or she thinks I don’t care because there should be no doubt in her mind that I like her an awful lot. So I feel like I am failing her? I guess. I want there to be a spark, someone she wants to hug and kiss, someone she doesn’t have to nag or shout at for being clumsy, annoying and forgetful. She’s a lovely woman, she doesn’t nag or shout all the time. Only when I deserve it, which I would say is constantly but that would be me bullying myself. In reality, actually a lot less. in reality it’s once or twice a day, maybe 12 seconds out of 24 hours. 
 
I just don’t feel like me, like I should be feeling. Like I’ve lost the inner-me. My confidence, I was very confident, never cocky. I know I look a mess, I’m ugly, not a catch, terrible hair, but I used to take pride or better put, it was a part of me and I was comfortable with it and so I had a lot of fun, I could talk to anyone, I was quick witted, flirty, the world’s best wingman, I would be a part of parties. As I said, now I’ve no presence at all. I’m mechanical. Background scenery or a prop.
 
Dare I say I even used to be confident with sex! I wasn’t a porn star but before all my performance anxieties and being cheated on repeatedly, I was actually Ok I think from what people had fed back to me through the grape vine. Fostered a reputation for being well endowed, adventurous and having technique! I used to be right kinky. I even had a huge inflatable pvc sex couch built for sex lol, designed to get into positions impossible before. Used it as a recliner to be fair as it was a bit to adventurous for some of my ex’s. I’d want to try many positions and experience many different things all with the aim of providing literally the best sex my partner was ever likely to have and if I got oral out of it or Pepsi then I’d be higher than Charlie Sheen. I’m easy to please.
 
Now I can’t relax. My drive has gone from as many times as I was wanted to once a month. I feel awful about the prospect because I feel so bad about not being able to deliver that I just can’t. I give oral or something to a happy finish which usually makes me feel better about my performance for 3 seconds before it gets really intimate, usually I’m ready from giving so I don’t need foreplay (which I think is a good thing, because I wouldn’t want to touch me lol so we’re lucky there is no need), then it gets intimate, which is when I lose all my confidence. It’s the one position and though it hurts like a mother!! I’m too busy worrying about it being awful that I can imagine it is awful. Eve says it’s not but I can tell she’s being nice. Again I feel mechanical. I perform the same time after time. Same position, same worries, same outcome. So I know it can’t be good for Eve. That’s what I care about. Men get pleasure from giving women pleasure. It’s true, all of my sexual fantasies bar one involve giving the best sex ever. Usually I’m in a lot of pain and either too sensitive then or completely numb, which is why the one fantasy I have about my pleasure is recieving oral because it doesn’t hurt and has the most intense ending by far. Which then hurts hours after rather than sex which hurts from seconds of starting to 24-48 hours afterwards. I had surgery when I was younger which leaves me ‘tender’ after sex or in certain positions. Especially missionary. I dwell too much on it to relax and enjoy it but I’m so damn sure Eve isn’t because of me being like this so that’s why we don’t do it anymore. 
 
I also need to stop pestering Eve about foreplay.It’s not a constant nagging but I know it annoys her. Sometimes I just can’t help it. My mouth is much faster than my mind. I know that I give to Eve and by then I’m ready but sometimes I miss it.. Though we’re not comfortable with this and I said that I wouldn’t mention it again but I started to dwell on my performance and it got me thinking again. So I need to shut it out. 
 
When I was younger, till about 23 lol it was a huge part of sex for me, it’s hard to explain but it’s not the sensation but more of how your partner is willing to please you in the way you would do anything to please your partner. So yeah, it was a huge thing about sex for me and being adventurous with positions and spicing it up. It would make me feel more desirable and more confident that someone would do that fod me, and the high afterwards was epic, but as I got older, people seemed less willing and I became less confident due to depression. So whilst it all still rests in my fantasies, times change and I need to let it go. People give up smoking even though they enjoy it for their health. I’ll give up blowjobs for the sanity of Eve and the relationship lol. I can hear Eve in my head saying you didn’t really have a choice in the matter then laughing. She’s a pretty laugh, makes me smile. 
 
I’ve lived without computer games, pepsi and my guitars and not bitched. It’s time to let blowjobs go too, goodbye kinky ideas and focus on finding other ways to retain my confidence, though i dont think blowjobs would have made me more confident, they just drive men absolutely fucking wild, like catnip (for cats,  doesn’t work on men) but having confidence will stop me moaning, help me in bed and make me happier. 
 
So here is a new page. Gone are my self indulgent fantasies. It’s all about Eve now (great band all about Eve.) I finally got a job, I have money and maybe even prospects.
 
Work have given me the highest risk project they have in the company at the moment, it’s worth 1.5 million to them and they’ve given it to me after 2 weeks of being there. Either putting faith in me or being insane. I like to think it’s the first. Though I’ve proven I can do it, I know I can do it. 
 
So I should be more confident and not mope because of blow jobs and blindfolds. Yes, thwy were a big part of the old me, but new me still is an ugly useless fuck who desperately needs to feel attractive but also new me doesn’t mind how shit he is because there is the capacity to be awesome there. To make 1.5 million I’ll never see a penny of but to earn the respect. 
 
You can buy milk,
You can even buy blow jobs, 
But you can’t buy respect
Nor can you buy confidence. 
 
Milk is 49p a pint… glory is priceless.  
 
To the priceless things! (I’m feeling driven!) 
 
Love, 
(S)aint
 
P.s I’m feeling like now would be a good time to have sex, I’m going to run back to Manchester lol