All about Eve
Sometimes I get down. When I get down everything that is bad in me, every bad thought, every selfish action, every stupid idea boils up to the surface and I rant. I rant about being an awful boyfriend and an awful person and how I should change. When in reality I have become so indulged in my own self depreciation and I don’t think about how what I am writing affects the people that mean the most to me. I’m talking about Eve.
I’m so lucky to have her and yet all I do is moan and complain when I should be paying attention to all of the things she does for me rather than what I want then maybe I wouldn’t have my heart in my mouth and the feeling like my stomach has fallen out. I go on about a whole host of things which usually boils down to sex which is something I have huge issues with. I don’t think I am any good and that bothers me. Today and probably a lot of times before I’ve written some pretty insensitive things in my depressed stupor of ‘woe is me’ When in fact woe isn’t me at all. Not compared to what some people go through on a daily basis. I seem to have this complex where I feel it’s me against the world and truth be told it’s not. It needs to stop. I need a better control over my depression and my emotions.
I’ve an amazing girlfriend, THE most amazing girlfriend, rather I still hope I do, given how stupid I’ve been. I think of the few things I have always wanted. From a young age.
To graduate;
To live in a flat;
To have a good job.
I graduated, twice in fact. I got my degree through the post yesterday. But honestly living in a flat (they always seemed fun to me as a kid) and having a good job where the two that eluded me. Until I met Eve that was. I moved into the flat with her. More importantly, the job. Without the job I was just dossing really. Where multitudes of people, family, friends, ex girlfriends, recruitment advisors and even the odd customer over the years have nagged and shouted and made me feel awful for not getting a job. Eve was different. She supported me and let me do it by myself, not for myself but for us. There were times when she thought I wasn’t trying hard enough and she kept it quiet. I knew how she felt and I felt guilty because I knew I wasn’t trying hard enough. So I redoubled my efforts and I got a job. A proper full time job with a desk and a phone that has my name on it, my own extension! It sounds silly but it’s everything I’ve wanted. Without Eve I wouldn’t have it. I’d be back in Liverpool, alone, poor and without a doubt in a heavy recessed depression. Everything I am, she had a hand in. Secretly behind the scenes even though she has so much on her plate. The woman looked after me, kept me very well fed, I’m a right little piggy. She kept me entertained and wanted, gave me company, teased me, poked me in my sleep and asked nothing in return except to stop sniffing. I can’t medically help that but what I could help with was washing the dishes (badly) and moaning about it. I think hurting her has made me realise that there is only one problem with our relationship. That problem is me.
It needs to change, I need to change because losing Eve would be losing the best part of me. I thought that I had lost my smile, Eve had it all along. Though there is so much we still to get through, money issues, work stresses, moody animals and moody friends, I want to be there by her side, the scouser, the boy and hopefully the man.
In my life there have been regrets but I like to think that Eve is one of the better choices ive made.
Drinking far too many carbonated soft drinks gave me acid reflux – bad idea.
Meeting Eve – good idea.
Buying Amy a phone contract – bad idea.
Surprises still in store for Eve – hopefully good ideas.
I mess up, I’m clumsy and an idiot. I always say I am Eve’s clumsy idiot. God knows why she puts up with me but I don’t deserve her. I’ve hurt her and that has hurt me because she does so much and asks so little. I’ve just been too immature and wrapped in myself to pay more attention to that fact.
I’ve been hurt by so many people in the past that I am quite mentally and especially emotionally broken. I don’t justify what i said by that but I know I shouldn’t have said it. It’s like being the hulk. Quite apt. How do I stop myself becoming the ugly depressed monster? I’m always depressed. Though I have such a wealth of feeling when I see Eve. I’m a bouncy puppy who wants lots of attention, then I get fed and fall asleep. Just as Dr Banner can’t control the hulk, nor can I control the way I am when I am depressed. I’m the incredible sulk. (See what I did there #comedygold)
But seriously, I want to convince Eve that she is amazing. Because she is and I did a bad thing and I’m very sorry for it. She’s a keeper!
I don’t want to lose the woman who laughs at ducks the way she does, the wonderful myriad of socks she wears, I don’t want to lose the curries I secretly love or the only lasagne I’ll actually eat. I don’t want to lose the cuddles or the way she flicks my nipples which she finds incredibly amusing and I think feels really weird and makes me go arggghh stop like a pussy.
She is so pretty and she denies it. So sexy yet I’m too worried about performing to appreciate her and so Welsh and they have a great flag. Today I made a huge mistake but today I also grew up a little too.
I have been so stupid and I am so sorry.