04/24/2013

Bonjour all!

It’s all kicked off! Work has been a very uncomfortable place to be in as the manager and supervisor who always fight like cat and dog, fought like cat and dog. There have been tensions brewing for a while now and I think it came to a head and is either settling or just getting ready to blow off again. The area manager is involved and it’s a whole mess but luckily, I think things have calmed down now. Everyone was a bit on edge. For instance today my manager had a word with me for being 2 minutes late when I entered the store, despite being 8 minutes early. He’s fine now though! He has a fancy woman I think. She is going to cook him a meal on Sunday and is a whole 9 years younger than him!

Just saying.

She is 22. I said she may be a psycho and he’ll wake up in her basement as she lowers a basket down to him in a hole.

Epic.

So Cosmin may be getting jiggy with it. Though he said that he is old enough to be her dad. I don’t know the legal age of consent in Romania but if it is 9… see above pedobear picture.

Other than that, things have been very samey. My libido came back! With a vengeance! But so did an epiphany.

I must be awful at sex, I mean I’m sure everyone has hangups about their performance but I am 100% certain I am just bollocks at it. I mean definitely certain I am just like the worst. Look at my track record in relationships…

Try to be perfect boyfriend and do everything for the girl.

Girl cheats.

Something, somewhere went horribly wrong.

So I’ve literally no idea what to do and I don’t think I am being paranoid because of something Eve said the other night and it has got me thinking that I am a huge problem. Have I ever actually satisfied anyone? was it because I was so bad in bed that they cheated on me? is this part of the reason Eve and I haven’t had sex in a time frame I cannot remember? though my memory is awful, it may be a week or a decade but I think it’s about 3? maybe I am fundamentally just crap at it and it is so bad that Eve would rather have no sex than 6 seconds worth of detached awful sex including 4 seconds of my crying and apologising?

I’ve read online that maybe it could be my technique? I’m sure it’s that. They say try new positions though you need your partner to agree to that and though I would like to try a lot of new things as I think of myself as rather sexually adventurous (if not sexually inept) you do need a partner who is sexually compatible with you and/or adventurous enough to try new things. Though Eve and I aren’t huge fans of our bodies and whilst I would list insecurity as my number 2 turn off after toes (they pick things up and are freaky!) I tend not to care too much when I am naked as I push it right back to the corners of my mind.

Foreplay is supposed to help?

I find that after I have reached the station it is much easier for me to put on a performance which I would deem long enough to get into double figure seconds. 10+ baby! However, we’ve never really been a foreplay type of couple. I always make sure that Eve reaches the station as not reaching the station makes for very painful sex for both parties and I’m always ready by that point so there is no real need to give it any attention. Plus I know certain acts make women uncomfortable, despite how men crave certain things like a man stranded in a desert craves water, men get off on giving women pleasure. So making your partner uncomfortable for your own pleasure is not a nice thing. I’ve got that bit right? right?

The fact that men do get pleasure from giving women pleasure is a key to all of this. If I feel like I have not satisfied Eve then secretly I get really hurt and say an awful lot of unhealthy, nasty things about myself in my head. It plays on my mind for days and I feel awful, truly selfish and dirty and this always gets amplified by the depression and my libido retreats quicker than something which retreats very quickly. It hides.

I guess I just wanted to deliver a series of unparalleled orgasms to Eve across a multitude of positions which would leave her breathless and completely sure that I am 100% man and 100% awesome and the best boyfriend she has ever had. Instead it’s usually I disappear under the covers until Eve reaches her destination, then I’m ready to go for an epic 4 seconds in heaven in the good christian standard position, which hurts us both and leaves us aching for days, surely the woman should be unable to walk after sex? why is it always me?  followed by a lot of crying and apologising (joke) and a cuddle. Cuddling is good. Unless Eve wants to sleep in which case I can’t cuddle too much as I move too much in the night and get really hot and she can’t sleep and that wakes me up and then it’s a horrid cycle of awfulness! 

I feel bad even typing that. I should be ravashing her and instead I generally just annoy her and I annoy myself and then I feel bad and it sucks and I wish I was better at things and that I could be a better boyfriend and I look at all the other guys I know and I feel so inadequate as a guy because I have achieved nothing socially and privately I achieve even less. Despite me having no issues about the size of my penis except it gets in the way and certain brands are two small and hurt like a bugger. It also makes a right mess. I just have no idea what the hell to do with the bleeding thing! 

I’m actually lucky it doesn’t bleed except the few times I’ve lay on it funny and the bedsheets end up looking like a scene from Carrie. If you’ve ever woken in a large pool of your own blood, I can tell you, it’s not what I would call fun. Mostly annoying , like WTF! I’ve also awoken and the bed has been on fire. Interesting and true! 

In short.

Feels generally and sexually useless and inept.

 

I don’t want Eve to think that I am nagging her for sex either, which I altogether stopped trying to initiate. I am actually scared to touch her sometimes (all the time, though I may risk it for a chocolate biscuit and she pushes me away without fail) in case she snaps at me or ac

cuses me of nagging her for sex. That’s honestly not what it is at all. She does an awful lot of things for me (not sexually here, I’m being clean) and I don’t know if she thinks that sometimes I don’t appreciate the things she does and I moan all the time. Not about stuff she does, I’m very grateful for all the big and little things she does. So I do my best to clean around etc and yes I moan about it because after washing the dishes day in day out for months, it just seemed nice to have a day or two off as there are 3 people in the flat. Though Eve has enough on her plate and I realise it was wrong of me. I moan that her Mum leaves wrappers and half eaten food and stuff on the work surfaces despite having to walk past the bin to leave the kitchen. I do like to moan, it keeps me going, though I can appreciate that it can’t be nice to live with. I’m just pissed that i’m not happy with who I am or where I am in my life, that I have a shit job, can’t see my friends or family due to money, can’t perform sexually or even function normally in a relationship and even now there are very bad thoughts in my head which I have no desire to act upon but would get me in a mental ward under observation.

I need to appreciate Eve more. I do, I just need to show it more and stop harping on about how shit I am at everything and how I feel unfulfilled and instead focus on making Eve feel good. This may be difficult as I frequently piss her off, I find existing is enough to piss most people off where I am concerned. I’m not easy to be around life keeps saying. I hear you life, but I’m not paying much attention.

I want somebody to give me a job too because I really cannot hack being like this and missing out on friends and family and life because I am just shit. I’ve no experience and nobody will hire me, I look a fucking mess, I’m as ugly as fuck, I trip on my words and I’m just fucking useless all round to be fair and it would be a favour if I did just fuck off but I won’t. Because one day I will look back on these feelings in shame when I have a job. It’s just pissing me off and Eve is the person I care about and if I were happier and more stable then I could help her more and she wouldn’t feel down because it seems to me that things only started getting like this when I came on the scene.

I appreciate her, maybe I should show it more and shut up about how I feel because nobody needs to know, nobody really cares and the only person that should care is me, so instead of moaning I should work to fix it. And fuck sex, it’s boring and messy and hurts a lot no matter what I try. Fucking playing on my mind. GRARGH! STE! GRIP!

Apologies. I lost it there for a minute.

However in an attempt to cheer myself up I have been playing World of Tanks to give me geekgasms. They added British tanks and I have been spamming the tank destroyer line and the heavy tank line to get a hold of the L1A1 main gun later in the game. It’s the precursor to the modern tank cannons. Granted we now use a L30 but it was unstoppable for it’s time. I’m also loving the German tanks, as ever and soon my beloved Hetzer will be replaced by a Stug III and then a JagdPz4 etc etc. It bores you. Needless to say, I am having fun, geeky fun! Today I 1 shotted 2 tanks at close range, this makes me smile. I need that reward mechanism. I’m off to try and be a better boyfriend.

Love

(S)aint x