Your difference.

I’ve turned off all the sound and electrical devices that make noise, except the soft humming sound from the room’s fan. So the only thing I can hear are my own thoughts again.

I spoke to a past coworker today, and he said his wife had an emergent organ surgery caused by her own lifestyle habits, which had her have to drop out of a “fast paced” nursing program to get a job that could possibly make her family 200,000 annually a year income. And they are taking it as a sign to have a fourth child, on one income. Just because they like kids, think they make cute and good kids.

I went to work today, with back-to-back clients. None that are my own, none that will be loyal, none that will get more higher priced services with me or have the ability to like any other kind of my work, because the place I work at only offers one service at a pay that is 1/6th my income from this company.

I made a pros and cons list this morning on my 50+ minute commute that when I got the job, the gps lied and said it would only take 22 minutes on average. On average it’s 30-40 minutes. I’m almost always late. To a job that steals from my work more than I will ever benefit from any hard physical work that I do there. My cons were mostly all about my current job. My pros are how I now look at the world more openly due to it.

I have a gathering to go to tomorrow. It seems promising. It seems like it would be a great way to connect with others, especially those doing what I want to do – create and sell, with making my own full income.

On my con list I made on my morning commute today, I wrote about how I, yet again, fell for the trap – what feels like a trap that someone else sold me a job I didn’t really care too much, but it was “good enough” or “do it for now”, etc etc But what I’m noticing is that here is my routine, my trap that I set for myself:

I get desperate for more income,
Then I apply to everything,
Accept the first that applies and is probably the lowest in rating/income,
Then start out and see how much it makes me dizzy, knowing it’s a familiar ride again.
Do it, yet hate so much of it.
But then I do so much to make them like me, so I can try to fit in, because one day “it wasn’t so bad, I think I can get used to this”.
But then another bad day rolls around to remind me that I have faced this once before.
But I don’t know how to get off this mary-go-round. So I just hop to other seats.
Still stuck, I slide to the floor and it just rolls me around.
Sometimes I get back up, stay on track, pretend to enjoy it and smile fakely.
And the night before I’ll do anything to keep busy than to properly get my self ready for the next day, on that same ol’ ride.

It might be the familiarity of chaos, not getting anywhere as I am giving, and being demanded of, with a touch of always making a low income and being tired. This feeling will keep you in a cycle. Never getting what you want in life, and feel like you can only get what you might need, by giving every bit of you away to just be liked?

It’s like the drama that keeps your head spinning. Or better yet, the drama that keeps you from actually trying something else that is more quiet, simple, and might even find peace in. Something you might even commit to and grow old with.

It might be the fear of doing something so different, something you were always shamed for – your difference.