Visions of Envisions

Last night I had a dream, that reality came crashing a little too hard. And all the thoughts of what if and what could happen, in the least favorable way did come up, in this dream.

I believe we were in school again, yet we were this age, this all these life experiences behind us, yet in this dream we were still surrounded by school and the same scenarios in my mind that occurred in my actual past.

The person I’m with now decided to tell me she wanted to go on a break, or maybe even used the word divorce, or maybe my mind instantly went to the assumption it would be a divorce. And it was all due to her finding interest in another. Which, in this dream I was just someone in the background of this life. She was having the time of her life, connecting with friends, classmates, etc -and all I could think about was wanting this loud and unnecessary way of life/lifestyle to just be over with and we could move on to being grown ups and starting a family; a true life. But the scene of excitement, and of others was more attractive to her.

We were sitting in a stadium seating area, one time it would focus to be outdoors, another time it started to become indoors, dark and more quiet enough to speak and be heard. Even though we both were drifting off from this relationship, and we both had interests that were waiting for us in the subconscious background, it was still hard to imagine that she was going to end this very long-term relationship. And end it, after I held on so long and I personally worked so hard to keep all this going on my end. It felt like a constant fight to be who I needed to be for this relationship to actually take and stay in form, and to not let it fall apart. But I, myself, was truly falling apart. I had no idea who I was, what to expect from each waking morning, how the night was going to end, I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I had no clue how to break free from this cycle, and still keep her.

And then, as I sat there, listening to her start to end this cycle, leave this relationship, I played all these scenarios in my mind. Passing by inside my mind, yet I can see them so clearly, like a life-size movie screen projection that was behind her, yet above and in my head. I saw myself with other people, I saw how I could enjoy my life without her, and with others, and most importantly with myself. Doing so much, and even nothing at all, yet most importantly I saw that I would be okay without her. When I saw that she couldn’t really get the words out and explain herself, I started to speak for her, and say it’s a crush, we all have crushes, it’s okay and that’s life. Something along those lines. And I noticed, that instead of feeling sad or wanting anything for me, not once thinking about the life we could have together, I just saw her gaze away off into her new life and all I could think about how she was blinded by the light of the newness and that new feeling of a new love. That I know, like us all, that flame will burn out too and she’s come try to connect back with me – because I’m safe and comfortable. And it might work, but at the end of the day I knew that I was going to be alright. Might take a few years to not lean on her memories as believing that’s all love could offer me.

And because, in this dream, this relationship was a tug and pull of needing-ness of love and only being ready for her when she was ready for me, and me losing myself along the way. Well, I knew it would hurt, because there was so much time and memories spent, so many new-ness, new times, new opportunities, and most importantly – shared moments and opportunities. Where I now had to create new moment and opportunities alone.

After being able to see these visions, I also put in my input as to what would happen and how she would live her life, and stating again that crushes were normal, and it is what it is that she was deciding to leave this relationship for the newness.

I could still envision her staring off into space just envisioning her life with these other women and how the sparkle in her eye and her wide-grinned smile was no longer about me. And I couldn’t believe that this person who swore one everything that I was the one and only and was life changing, and yet she now was speaking to my face of how she had already changed me from her life.
I was shocked, and nauseous, and lack of appetite of any part of life or of living, just hearing and seeing this actually happening to me.

I no longer existed in her fantasies of what a great life looked like.
And that I already played my role in her life, and that my time had expired. And somehow I became spoiled milk sitting the fridge that no longer was wanted or needed, yet no one wanted to admit it to throw it out of the fridge that it no longer had any purpose being in there for use.
Because after those 30 days, you were old news, no matter how much you wanted to be used.

And when I got up, I knew I’d probably see her again, but I could never have her the way I once did. And that feeling of losing her, that consumed most of the end of our relationship, it was real. I was leaving that space with out her, and most importantly alone, again.

It was empty times, and I had to force myself to belong to crowds, fake smiles, cry alone at night with no one around to care for me, and do the same on repeat that next day, day after day.

But as time went by, I did live out those visions on my own, of living a new life, with new people, and even with people that loved and cared for me in ways I could have dreamt and never thought could be real, because I once encountered a world, a life that being replaced was so simple, so easy, and so real.

I believe I was with a white man, and even had kids. I think one boy. He was white, we were wealthy, he had great hair, his smile created a sense of comfort that could make a warm goose down duvet last only a week, where his smile and warmth sense of character, with plenty of stability was as golden as the rays of sunshine. Like eternity. And that’s what I felt with him. A sense of calm that can only be found in the treasures of stability.

I saw being apart of a life with him, where we could run free in a grassy open field and not only feel safe in this large empty field of forever-ness, but also at peace with myself to allow myself to be happy, smiling, and able to explore this field exactly as I was. As I am. Because I was in comfortable, casual, yet quality clothing – and I actually felt who I truly was. I was alive and present in my body, in my mind, and could even let my soul peak through for others to see. Where before I would feel this gigantic fear and need to hide. Hide behind what I wore, what I said, what I did. I was always in hiding mode and questioning myself, and was so lost gone underneath all these layers of who I thought I should be, instead of being okay with who I actually was.

I also knew that there were going to be days where I awoke from nightmares of my past, and the biggest fear of all would be reliving that past life story, no matter who those characters were now. It didn’t matter the person, the place, or the situation, it would just be reliving those feelings and those fears of being discarded again. Being unseen, overshadowed by another, and hearing that they have moved on without you. And then being physically too stuck to move, and can’t phantom the opportunity of something new, because the whole world seemed like a nightmare unworthy of living. Or having life situations occur where him and I would not meet eye-to-eye and I’d fear I would be too advanced for his logical thinking, because he was so positive and calm and unaware of the harms of society. And I’d just want him to be more prepared in life, and even be with someone who would be at my level of ready to fight these battles at the same level of preparation as I would be. Wondering how could he not see this coming?
Almost like having flashbacks to that moment on just staring at her speaking of the happy lust-in-love she was, and almost like having flashbacks of my past with her, falling for the quick cheap simple and sparkly people dangling in her face, instead of choosing me – the one made of heavy quality real Oak Wood, that just so happens to be at a higher price point because of the longevity of worth I am to offer; coming with a sense of stability – yet showing a deep flaw that could be fixed over time if you just gave it a chance to fix it, to seal it, to bring in a professional to sand that hole down, fill it with more oak, and gloss it up like brand new.
But no, since she had no sense of the vision of the deep deep world of repair, that was unfathomable for her to imagine, calling me crazy for even brining up the topic, and me truly believing in every one of her words, so I then knew that I was as crazy as she allowed me to believe in myself that I was, well since she did not have this sense of vision, I was deeper lost in the layers that I hid to never be called or seen crazy again.
When all I wanted was to know I could be repaired, that this simple deep flaw ingrained deep into my wooden desk, but that was something she just could not see or understand.

So when it was time to uncover this flaw once again, he was able to see it and speak about these steps that could happen if I wanted that flaw to be filled back in. To have that wound healed, if I was okay with that happening.
“It’s going to take some time, and you’re going to have to be honest, and let me help you. Are you okay with that? Are you willing to take this long, deep journey with me, to let me help you?” He knew all the words to say to the right people, knew the best people, with the best tools, and who could create such a beautiful filling to put back into that hallow space within my wooden desk. Found the best gloss and sealant, and and even let me choose the grains to be put back in.
And honestly, during and after every step, I would take a step back and thing “That’s it? That’s all?” It ended up being so simple, so painless for the most part, and at the end I realized that the experience wasn’t going to be as embarrassing, or as damaging or as painful as it took all those years to hide it.
I some how became more powerful from exposing it, and even when other people who could not understand it, gave unpleasant and fearful responses about the scar, I didn’t care so much about that anymore.
Because I knew, and I now know, that any would could be healed, and with the right people, places, and things, it could be healed. And then, no matter the people, places, and things around, you could discard all the layers and learn to live life as freely as you were meant to be.