The Loss that Shows Up in Everyone You Meet

My Psychoanalyst told me today that I am grieving the loss of my parents. Oh, they’re still alive, but the loss of the parents I never had. My mom did the best that she could, but it was hard for her to be loving. My father ..for whatever his story could be, decided not to be around much. I lost my father before he could teach me how to ride a bike, yet I watched him teach my older sisters and he told me he would teach me later or that my older sisters (2 and 3 years older than me) could teach me. They never did, and I get that.

I lost my mother before I could go shopping for a Homecoming dress, Prom dress, or even plan a wedding.

I lost my father before he could show me that he would protect me from any boyfriend, just to show his protectiveness over me.

I lost my mother before getting to call her with the great news of getting my first teaching job, first hairstylist job, or made salary at my current job.

I lost my dad before I could learn to drive a car.

I lost my dad before I lost my virginity and felt more alone with a male in the same bed as him.

I lost my mom before I went to the ER with a 103 degree fever that would not go down, requested to be taken to IMCU care if they couldn’t find out what was wrong with me (they never did), and was informed I had a large growing tumor that needed to be checked on to confirm it was benign and not cancerous.

I lost my dad before I even felt comfortable and realistic to call him “dad”, with confidence he wouldn’t leave again.

I lost my dad before I could feel safe to hug him.

I lost my mom before I could feel safe to hug her.

And of course, those are just a few, but it’s true. I did lose them, maybe felt like I never had them and always had to chase for any ounce of them. But it’s also true that I grieve the loss of my parents and caretakers. I search for them weekly, hell probably daily. I search for them in my bosses, in my coworkers who are older than me, families I see at the grocery store, firefighters, psychics, in my therapist, my life coach, my psychoanalyst. I search for them inside me too. I find them when I’m being judgmental and find myself turning positive moments into negative ones out of fear and shame. But grief is hard. It’s even harder when they are still a live, and yet still really hard to get a hold of.

I am learning that through acknowledging the pain, getting the knowledge of how/where the pain is coming from, and then receiving support is crucial to work through grief. Know you can’t change it, and know when it’s time to let go of the grief to learn to live and enjoy your life again is helpful too.