The lie in life; that we have believed in for so long.

It’s February tenth, and I reach with my hand to grab a lubricant for my hands. I choose a bottle, travel sized of course, of a light seafoam green color, translucent and with an image of a palm tree on in it in white. It’s labeled with “COOLING” at the bottom, and on the top of the bottle it’s brands name is “Vacation”. It’s purpose is a an “After Sun Gel”. Written in the same font from my youth.

The smell is light and airy, just like the translucent bottle is a light and airy seafoam green shade.

It’s Monday, and ten in the morning. I don’t have much planned for the day, just continue to clean up where I left off yesterday, and to start a new page in an old book I’ve been reading for the past few months, and another the past couple of years off and on.

My coffee mug is filled with freshly grinned whole bean Organic coffee, grown and traveled from Honduras (one of the best locations to grow coffee beans), with creamer flavored in vanilla. I savor the moment of this cup more than usual, as I may not know the next time I’ll have a cup of coffee organically grown in Honduras and packaged and presented to me at this great price, at such convenience to me.

That’s the funny thing about loss, or the potential thought of losing something or someone you care to enjoy the moment with, your life begins to slow down in those moment as you simply don’t know when the last time with them will be the last. So your last moments feel more sad, more in fear of loss, more than anything.

How do we actually deal with the ending, with death, or the loss of something you have loved, have put faith in, and actually want part of your life? And what happens when we have come so far in our lives of failed attempts to enjoy it, and here comes along this angel of a moment, and then your mind is changed forever. And you slowly want more, and then there’s a part of you that just “can’t wait” to enjoy that moment, person, place or thing.

Because you’ve enjoyed it. It’s finally becoming a part of life that is enjoyable.

Like spending time with family, finding a close friend who you feel just finally “gets you” and all your conversations are just going so well, or picking up a new hobby that you finally feel and have logic in that could work for you to become a source of income.

Or just finally giving your daily cup of coffee a change, and it becomes wonderous.

Instantly, I thought of the words..

“I found a love for me
Oh, darling, just dive right in and follow my lead
Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet
Oh, I never knew you were the someone waitin’ for me .. ”

And it’s the whole song, but more so the feeling. The feeling of finding something that just feels perfect for you, in that moment. Especially, when everything else feels like nothing else is going right for you or the world around you. And life instantly gives you “a break”. The sun, after the storm.

The sun then goes, “so, my child, what have you learned from the storm this time?” And after each storm, you get to answer a new life lesson.

Yesterday I woke up feeling like there was an ending. Like I was feeling an ending is going to happen, going to occur and I was already sad for it. Sad for myself, that ” here we go again, another loss in life before life even got better”. I have no clue what this actual new loss is going to be. Hell, maybe it’s my delayed reaction to all my current losses or more recent losses. And life just felt like a loss in whole. Al I know, is that the feeling of loss/losing something when I’ve felt like I’ve lost my whole self years ago and I still don’t know how to make a new me.

At work, which I don’t really want to be there anyway, but for the first time in a long time, Saturday nights felt more tolerable. The lead staff member has been replaced with a more reserved and quiet employee. I could not have been more happier. Saturday nights are not a great time to work, and also the lead employee is a total wreck. But by the grace of Goooooood, she was replaced and she was given the responsibility of another location and I more than likely will never have to experience working with her ever again. I still will be leaving this place, but so grateful to have my last days more in peace than before.

When you look at life as if everything is a lesson to be learned, life becomes more lonely. It feels like you are just so full of responsibilities that you never want to truly make your own true decisions, knowing that they won’t last long. Or knowing that you’ll just have to “learn” from them. No one ever said anything about enjoying them.

The thought I woke up with this morning was similar to those words. About what if I don’t even enjoy the moment, or react in the moment, or let emotions go – happy or sad, in the moment, is because I’m so busy trying to be responsible. And so many people around me – I watch them live life for themselves and enjoy it. They cheat on their husbands just to enjoy a good fuck one in a while, they quit their meaningless and demanding job to enjoy the night out with their friends, then travel to Egypt to go on a quest led by others who are just as Spiritually entuned as they are.

They don’t sit at a table letting something waste their time for four fucking hours complaining about their lives, letting you just be a soundbox for their irresponsible behaviors – so you can make some sense of it for them since they will never learn the lesson of admitting their faults or gaining a sense of responsibility that is more socially acceptable.

See, people are a learning lesson for me. I see them take a way from me – my time, my money, my opportunities, just so I can learn to stop “taking on responsibilities” and just go have fun. Go do and live life as you chose to. But make sure you are making these choices for yourself. And not for anyone else or some thought that you need to “pay the price”.

If I can teach anyone anything, it would be to quit the parts of your life that are making you miserable or that you can’t find joy in. Don’t wait and think you are here only to learn lessons from your sufferings. This is just a lie they have told me many many times before, and a lie I tell myself probably more. That “once the hard work is over, you can then enjoy life for just a little bit”. And that’s what I’m leaving in the past.

I’ve spend so much of my life going by someone else’s ideology, that you just need to do the hard work and then you will be happy after all the work is done. And that is the time you can spend for yourself, after you have helped others.

THIS IS ALL A LIE! I have learned that when you are doing what you want, and that time spent doing what you actually want to do – this is how you are helping others. That helping others just comes along with it. Not the other way around. And this is the lie that we have been told. That to be happy, is to be of service. And a service to others. Hell nah, I can vouch for myself and many others. That the secret to life is doing what makes you happy, and somewhere down the line, whether you realize it or not, others will see and then let them tell you that they have been helped and have been served.

We can’t be something for someone by making them want us be that for them. We can only be there for ourselves, and if they want that – then they can get inspired. If not, we will be unhappy trying so hard to sell ourselves.

This is why trying to sell yourself in a field that you feel desperate in does not work.