Move on, without you.

Sometimes, after completing all the tasks that I have made for myself, I seem to notice that there is so much open and empty space.

So much open and empty space within myself, of myself.

I don’t realize that this is because I have given so much of myself to projects, tasks, accomplishments, and others. I just think that at the end of the day, I am empty, and not whole anymore.

So I seek to God, to try to connect with something so unseeable, as much as the inside of me is unseen.

I try to then add to this void with addictions, or “fillers”, and they either don’t work or they reject me too.

So then what?

I turn to feeling unwanted, unworthy, and without any source of true love within. Because I have given it all away to others and projects of my own interests.

Which then makes me believe that I am nothing more than the projects I create or the people I let surround around me.

I have to be more than that, right? I swear it didn’t always feel this way. But maybe I’m wrong and I just filled it with another person, place, or thing, I never really let myself feel what empty feels like.

Empty feels like a quiet room filled with the sound of a typed on writing this entry, or the sound the wind makes when it brushes against the leaves of a tree. Or the cars that drive by on the road close by.

But still nothing sounds more louder than your words in my head, your persona as it changes based off who you want to be in that moment that you think could have impressed me. That’s probably the part that runs around my head the most. Who the fuck really are you?

I guess none of that really matters, as your personas, you are not real anymore.

But then I think, maybe the person who I tried to be around you is not real anymore. And sometimes I miss her, because she was open and honest and was allowed the space to cry and breathe once more.

Isn’t that what psychology has taught us all? That everything and person is just a reflection of ourselves? That’s why we allow ourselves to sense the things that we only want to sense? To see someone as beautiful as we want them to be, to hold on the feeling of their touch as if it changed our lives forever, and to fear them so much so that you could hardly live.

Why do we fear the ones we love? Is it fear of losing love before we even get to fully experience it? And why can’t we just be grateful and satisfied with the mere simplicity of our lives like the feeling of being safe around a person, or a light compliment like seeing them smile when you smile, or the feeling of sunshine just by hearing their voice? Why must we always look at people like goals, or destinations like needing to visit every spoken-about spot in town?

Is it possible to just be grateful for the sheer moment of presence and the experience as it was, just as it was? Nothing more, nor nothing less?

If you’re looking for peace with your situation, you will look on and on, forever. You will retrace your steps, and you will give up on yourself as try to discover the undiscoverable. All that you will find is that you have spent so many years walking around is circles, around the same tree, that you were unable to see the world move-on without you.