Moments in life, not just people in life.

I really hate needy people. Needy things, or things that don’t leave you alone just to get your attention.

Today, it felt like there were so many things in my way of even trying to conquer any small goal today. I actually did not even have a desire to compose of a goal today. But my body – who refused to let me sleep earlier than 2am last night, refused to do any bit of sleeping, woke up before an alarm that was not for me, that was set at 6am. But my body and mind scattered for a connection. It believed that this alarm was mine, and once I reminded it that it was not, and to go back to sleep, it still refused that too. Two hours later it was time to fake the day away and wake up.

The rest of the day I continued to feel alerted, and annoyed with tasks that were granted for me, that were not for me to do, and no form of enjoyment lasted or was created. I have no purpose for today. It was like I had no time to feel my own feelings, think my own thoughts, or complete any of my own actions. Where everyone else took away even my option to have a day with their responsibility. A lot of people showed their true colors, and reasons why I can not rely on them in moments like these. Where I already felt like I could use some love and guidance in my life, now, well now, I yearned for it so hard I cried. It was like one of those moments you cry for something you never had. You missed, yearned, and “wanted it back”, yet you never truly had it. It’s such an empty feeling.

This is the moment people say you give up, and let God take over. Like just hand it over to the true source that could handle it all, because I just truly could not. Can not either.

I’ve been given this responsibility to take care of a house and a dog that I can not give them both what they might want. I’m not one to clean and care for a home 24/7 and be there on it’s hand and foot. This is not my purpose. I feel trapped, to be honest. I feel like I just blend away into the walls and into the air, and just do not exist.

I believe we exist only through connection. If no one hears the tree fall in the woods, did the tree really even fall? That form of concept. I’ve really been in to the theory of relativity, and how we have a “whole” consciousness of reality – one we share with others, and then the one that only we can see to exist No one can feel how you feel, no one can truly see the objects you see the way you see them.

Even connecting in a dream, or a thought, or reading a book. You’re connecting your thoughts/self with anothers’.  I think what annoys me the most is that I am open to connecting with those who I am already in a stream of connecting with. That I’m annoyed with the ones that I am always relying on to keep me connected, and not open to newness.

It’s really that they remind me that I am still operating from the person that I used to be.  Ironically enough, two major topics are going on right now in the world. We are experiencing a full moon leading up to the Solar Esclipe where it is at 5 degrees – the exact degree of my South Node. The biggest part of my life’s destiny that needs to be let go of, in order to serve my life’s purpose of 5 degrees in Aries, in my 11th house. And my past actually tried to connect with me today. A few of my “virtual selves” got hijacked last year, and one of the accounts messaged me, and a few amount of others as well to fall for their desire to connect. Again, another feeling of being attacked today, and riddled with panic as to what do I do, as I am always left to doing things alone. But then I remembered that you don’t have to give everything your attention. Let that task take care of it’s self or let it blow it’s self up. So then you can put your focus back on you.

But it also reminded me..my past is calling. Do I give it all of my love and attention? Where I am then left with fear and worry on my past? Or do I take this opportunity to move forward into the life that I want? Do I worry that the tree fell in the woods, or do I remind myself whatever happens in the woods ain’t none of my business?

And the same goes as to HOW you think you should be living your life. Letting others “help” you is just as bad as letting them do all the work, and you lose all perspective of life’s reality of the work you could be destined to learn.

And maybe mine is about connecting, and connecting with others. That it should be okay to accept just a connection through books, actions of accomplishments, and the possibilities of my present self wants for my future self. And how I create true meaning to moments in life, not just people.