Just to feel the safety of Freedom.

Every so often I decide to look back and do a “Year in Review” for my life.

I like to see where I was a year ago, and check-in to see where I am now. Still suffering this same dreadful parts of life? Or have I now matured into another level of light or darkness? And, how often do we let ourselves stay in the dark, or even more so, go deeper into the darkness?

What do we truly expect to see in darkness? Are we sitting around and waiting for the beacon of light? And worse of all, are we expecting that beacon of light to be another person to save us from our own souls?

It’s been a year since I thought my beacon of light was real. lol ….That it could be someone or something other than myself. No, I lie.

Sometimes I still think it could be someone else, or anyone else if I’m really desperate.

What are some stories you tell yourself, and maybe you tell others too, that you swear are true – yet not many people see it the same as you? One of those, “had to have been there..” type of moments? One of those “fuck…I didn’t know I was signing up for this” type of moments.

I wonder if we see things in a certain perspective where we think we are reliving our past, just so the person we are now experiencing that moment with can be the first one to “make up” for what that first experience did to hurt us. Whether they meant to hurt us or not, it just did. And then the pattern repeats it’s self.  No one says sorry, no one takes ownership because they don’t feel like they did anything wrong, and no one even knows what went wrong in the first place.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my dad recently. Not necessarily about any memories together, but just about the space a father holds for a person, and how the things I wished were true for me in a relationship with a male figure. The only thing that sucks about having non-available parents who are still living is that there is always space you hold for them, whether you mean to or not, as if you are still waiting for them to be your beacon of light in life. Or to alteast think back into your past how they someone were able to experience life like this too, and how they solved it or how you could do things differently. I think I just really hate wasting time. Just sitting around creating no true progress in reality. What is this meant for? Just to feel this moment in life? Does it really serve us any true progress just to sit and wait? Who are we waiting for? Ourselves or for others? Or to let time slow down to connect us with others? Is this what pausing time is for? To align time?  For comfort reasons, I’ll take that theory.

When something gets me angry, and I say “that’s it, I’m done”. What I’m really saying is I’m done pretending to be someone or something that is just fine with how reality is serving at this moment into my life. Anger, for me, are like cracks in the sidewalk that allows plants, weeds, and flowers to pop through. I get so done with being someone else, and also putting others first. Doing too much of anything will only hurt you in the end.

I feel like I’ve shut myself down thinking that’s what is meant to happen when you commit to someone. That being in a relationship means putting them first, which in then you lose yourself. I’m learning day by day that’s not what it means. And that I am grateful for in moments in life like these. Only when I’m mad enough to end all things not working for me do I realize all the things I have not let myself experience and what I’m holding back from. It’s like following someone else’s perception of “being good”, and I’m fucking done being good. I just want to be raw. ..Maybe this is what addicts are like. Which can be true, because I started to think about what I wanted and jump back into the things I was addicted to. To interrupt the flow of life, just to feel the safety of freedom.

“With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me” – Ride