Hope, is just the opening act for desire.

I have been disconnected with the desire for life.

And the more that I think about it, the more that I try to connect with it and try to understand it. And I question myself, “What am I desiring now anyway?”

I’ve been thinking about how we desire.

There are things that we desire that we once were familiar with, and then there are things that we desire just by looking someone else have it.

And the question lies, are we desiring it because we see how that person is reacting to it and want to feel that way too, or are we desiring it because we know we want that desire too?

Do we desire it, because we allowed ourselves to once connect with that desire, and it felt so, so good. It changed our lives forever. It allowed us to be free, and feel free, and feel whole, all at the same damn time.

I think about the first time I opened myself up to someone, and how it felt that all of my life – up to that age, well they all just came to life & more. I was set. I thought, no I KNEW, that being with that person I was going to go deeper into the world of love and happiness. Like even more than I had ever thought.

Everything in life just seemed so perfect. Because I was creating this new life, away from the hell of what I was used to. And I knew that I could never live like that, that the way things were at home, I just knew I wanted so much more for myself and that the world had so much more out there for me. Now, if only I could watch and be like those who were living a better, calmer, more loving, and full of lfe – life, and then go on and be them too, well maybe then I’d be happy and my true life could start.

For years I’d do that. I’d try to stick to who I truly wanted to be, but in order to “fit in”, I tried things here and there to experiment to be more like those around me. Because if I did, if I succeeded, then I could too live that great life they lived.

Fast-forward to 2025, 20+ years later, I sit amongst the rubble of things, of items, of hobbies, of books with theories, of paint brushes, and vintage knickknacks, of soldiering tools, and metals used, and glass beads, crystal beads, crystals as whole, and paintings that are not my own. And notebooks, journals, notepads to makes lists of goals to achieves, and planners to store new goals, and old goals crossed off, and candles that smell like that one time I was happy and at peace – to remind me that if I did it once, I could do it all again.

And tarot cards, and astrology books, and moon journals – all to tell my future, my past, and how my present could be much more better than what it is now.

And jewelry material, and mannequin heads full of human hair, and past created art projects – all to prove to myself that I can, too, create beauthatty and magic with my hands again.

But it’s not the same like the first time you desired love, and to be loved in return. And, you actually got it. And the way you got it, and how the desire to be on the same page, and to have that connection was.just.there.

So I tried to re-do it. I thought that, like writing a great book, that I could recreate that love again. But the difference is that other person. They might want you, but it’s a different form of desire. Hell, it might not even be desire.

For me it was always a desire to connect and be as one. So trapped in each other’s tangled legs and torso, that I didnve to worry about feeling loved and seen and heard by buying them something or cooking or making them anything. I just showed up as myself, and I became a muse to their world.

The power of being myself was finally activated, and I felt so free. With or without this person.

I woke up thinking about an ex of mine today. Someone I always felt so lost “in”. And I hate that he represents the last male that I was with. And there was more confusion about myself, my wants, and needs with him, than anyone else. And that all the attention he had was given to his mother (that he so desperately wanted love and attention, and a peace of mind from), that I knew I could never compete. I mean, he went across the world to fight a war just to escape and gain some sort of love and approval for/from this woman. And I knew that in his state of mind, I knew I could hold no space and time with him – the way I wanted to in a relationship. The way that I once did before. The way that I got to meet face-to-face with myespec desires. But that never happened.

And then over time, I started to notice that year after year, I have and probably will forever try to relive that desire, and I may never come close to it again. And it’s the most depressing feeling.

So now, since I’ve moved on to this desire from work. Or atleast I now have been admitting it more. It’s been going on for years, and I just now am ready to retire from this idea that I can have a desire form from my career. Maybe that was finding freedom and power (that I would feel within myself), that I labeled as my career/job title/daily task, and I keep trying to recreate it. With that magical time, of that first time working in the creative field or being in charge of a classroom. And I keep going back, and I’ve done it for years. But going back is not the same. The desire has changed, and I can only focus on the lack – lack of freedom, -lack of power. And this pains me, to be honest. Like I’m sitting in a room full of lies that represent the past me, and hold no true desire.

From people, places, and things I search for desire to be met. To be fulfilled. To enjoy life again. No, more like to just enjoy life. Life as it is now. As I am now.

Who know that accepting who you are, and who you were are two different things? That if you only focus on the past and who you were (especially at those prime times in your life), that you don’t allow the opportunity to allow desire to show up in this present time. Because desire shows up through, people, places, and things.

So what do you do with the desire for someone? Or if you can’t find desire in a job, or the job you have, or any job? It feels like asking “Why has desire escaped me?” Desire – as a noun – a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. Desire – as a verb – strongly wish for or want (something). I think this comes to the point that I have given up on desire. It has not be true. It has not shown it’s self, honestly, in years. It feels like I’m only here to fulfill the desire of others, and if that’s the case, I am out. So it’s true, I am out. I’ve checked out, and I’ve checked out for years. I’ve yearned, wanted, hoped, and dreamed for desire to come back to me. It’s true, I really did. I even heard it from the rarest of places, where this Saturn ruled spirit would say not to lose hope. That it is true, that if you have desire for something or someone, or love I guess, or the love of another, to Logic, it was a sign of “Hope”. “That means you still have hope”. Not that there is “hope out there for me”, no but “I still have hope”. And where hope lies, desire is right behind it getting ready to take stage.