Vulnerability

There are times in my life where I find myself feeling uncertain and anxious. Before it was hard to accurately interpret these negative emotions, but today I was able to better understand it. Vulnerability. I struggle with feelings of Vulnerability. Uncertainty. Instability. I find it ironic, though, since many people tend to say that I show such a strong sense of “Vulnerability” since I wear my heart so clearly on my sleeve.

Being open about my emotions never felt vulnerable to me. To me, emotions are simply the human experience. I’ve come to learn that acknowledging and accepting my emotions help me process them. Vulnerability strikes me when I am faced with realities I cannot control yet I am heavily impacted by, or when things upset me and I cannot respond in a composed manner.

Death, the actions of others, future potential tragedies I can not prevent or have little control over. I have a lot of existential thoughts. I fear it may be weighing on my consciousness and my mental well-being; perhaps this is the reason why my night panics have come back to me. I am still trying to learn how to accept the reality that I have faced tragedy beyond my control and will continue to face tragedy in a way that can promote my growth and not leave me subdued. There has to be a proper way to deal with this overwhelming feeling that loss, trauma, and animosity that potentially lurks at every corner.

So far, a few things have helped me. Firstly, I remind myself that this is apart of life. Light and dark, life and death, pain and sorrow, love and hate. Without tragedy there is no triumph. Without fatigue there is no slumber. Without hunger there is no appetite. I believe as humans who do not know a world without some sort of pain, we tend to idealize what it would be like to live completely free from it. We may imagine it to be bliss. But, maybe it is not? As its been said, the idea of feeling no physical pain sounds heavenly. However, realistically speaking, to not feel pain is to not know when something is wrong with your body. When you need to rest. When you need to know what is harmful to you and what is not. Some even say to live life without the ability to feel pain is more dangerous than to live with it! When I put these into perspective, even if I fully cannot understand and accept why life can be so hard, I trust that things are this way for a reason and that this reason is beneficial to me even if feeling unorthodox.

I also remind myself how strong I am. I believe anticipation is a big factor in what makes people fearful. We have experienced pain and we fear that a similar fate to happen again. That fear helps us survive. It motivations aversion to danger. It presses us to further analyze our unfortunate circumstances and reevaluate our choices as to not feel that same pain again. I believe anticipation and fear without the presence of direction and solution can debilitate the human psyche. I don’t always have all the answers in how I should go about preventing tragedies or how to affectively avoid them. I painfully accept that I could be blind sited at any moment. But I remind myself of all I’ve been through so far, and all that I have grown from. The tip of the mountain still looks intimidating, but as I look behind me to see that I have long surpassed its foundation I began to remember my resilience.

I’ve come so far, I will continue to go far, I will continue to make it.

I believe Vulnerability is an important part of life as many other things on despite feeling so uncomfortable. Perhaps its to humble us. Perhaps its to encourage us to slow down and look within, to tend to our souls. The art of living is not how well you can thrive in the merciful moments of your life, but whether how well you can withstand and navigate through the more chaotic ones.