Meditation Notes – Log 1

Visual/Minds Eye

In the beginning, I saw colors of green and brown
In the middle, I started seeing blue
In the near end, I started seeing violet

Physical
I felt very relaxed and calm. I felt like something was being released from within me in a purifying sense.

Mental

I had random intrusive thoughts:

“What if someone used their points to make a loud sound in the middle of the meditation?”
I found that thought kind of funny, the idea of me getting startled and then getting confused and angry.
Id imagine Id say “What the hell!? See look, now you got me cursing. I’m trying to be enlightened and you’re making me swear shaking my head.”
Its a good think to think about, though, to make sure I disable anything like that so it does not happen in the future.

I then thought back at yesterday at work, at how that older woman patient commented on my hair and how it made me feel.
As a black woman, I get a lot of criticism about my hair. I don’t prefer to braid my hair, I try to get it in a straight yet thick style.
A lot of people told me to get braids, and that my hair looks unkept and I guess just not good looking.
It upset me when she brought it up, and reminded me of how unattractive I felt growing up.
But it also made my realize that that reason why I feel insecure about my hair and how it
looks when its not perfect is because of how other people have made my feel about my hair with their comments.
So, in order to try to deprogram this insecurity, I am going to compliment and think well of my hair. Every day. Even is its messy, even if its not how
I want it to look. I also will ask my trusted friends to help give positive affirmation of my hair. I think my hair is fine, when I’m alone, I generally
like my hair. But I’ve been made to feel like its messy, “nappy”, unkept, and unattractive since its not in braids.
Now that I’m aware of these emotions and have an idea on how to fix it, I will manifest it.

I also thought of an old friend I stopped talking to, I think back in 2022. I had lost contact with them when a server I was in closed down. But, they managed to find me again. We talked, and I loved our deep conversations, they are also spiritual. But one day, they blocked me and I wasn’t sure why. They have BPD and was at a very difficult part in their life. I try not to blame myself or take it personal, because I’m not sure if it was even me who caused it. I don’t know if I was the only one who they blocked. But I remember I was also at a bitter and more negative part in my life. I was hurt and fueled by spite. I often wonder if my spiteful and hurt bitter spirit drove her away. I wonder if she got sick of me venting about the people who hurt me and trying to get back at them. I wonder if she thought I’d never change, of it wasn’t good for her to be around me at the time with her own struggles going on. I don’t know, and I may never know. I may never find her again.