Anxiety

I’m having that tightness in my chest again that is a sign of anxiety. I had been feeling better these last couple days but today it’s all coming back. Why can’t my mood just stay decent for a while instead of being a constant rollercoaster? I can’t control it no matter how hard I try. I can go from being in a relatively happy mood, singing and dancing around the house, to wanting to cry and curl up in a ball in a matter of MINUTES.

Let’s be real for a minute. I know part of the reason I’m feeling the way I am feeling and I really wish it wasn’t the case. It’s because -he- hasn’t talked to me today. We did our daily snap pics…but he didn’t bother to attempt any conversation like we do every other day. I could very easily message him, oh yes I could. But that isn’t a guarantee that I’ll feel better. You see, I am always the one reaching out to him and wanting to talk and hang out. I ALWAYS want to talk to him. I have feelings for him but it’s a difficult situation. I know he cares about me but that’s about all I know. Just for once I want HIM to want to reach out and talk to me, instead of me feeling like I’m forcing the conversation on him.

But it is so difficult to hold off on messaging him. I made a deal with myself that I was going to back off this week, give him some space and see if he makes any attempt at all to contact me if I don’t do it first. Today is the first day all week that we haven’t spoke to each other. (oh my phone just went off…oh what a surprise. He actually messaged me!) <— Most likely the reason for that is he saw the pic on my snap story. So that doesn’t mean he had the intention of messaging me. I’m being ridiculous, maybe. But my entire life I have always been the one to put effort into my friendships/relationships. For once I’m just looking for some effort in return that shows I am important to them as well.

It’s busy at work today. Considering how slow it has been with 5+ minutes between calls and now it’s like the usual 2 minutes… I’m annoyed haha. Every time the phone rings I want to scream. I’m just not in the mood to take phone calls right now. But I get through it. I have one more week before I have a week vacation and I get to visit my parents. That means I will actually get out of this house I have barely left since the beginning of March and get away from my roommate who has been driving me crazy. That’s a whole other story.

It’s weird to be back on this site…OpenDiary was my very first online diary when I was in high school…and that was like 20 years ago. haha. I thought I’d come back for a bit just so I have somewhere to vent my feelings so I’m not actually keeping them inside. I feel the people around me are getting sick of my mood swings and something always being wrong.  Yeah…I’m sick of it to. It’s a process. I’m trying to work on it. In the meantime, I try my best to not take it out on other people. Especially him. I ask too much of him. He is a good guy and my expectations are just too high. It’s not his fault.

I guess that’s enough for now. 2 hours remaining at work so hopefully it slows down so I don’t go too crazy by the end of the night!