Just getting by….

I am new to this group, but knew that one of these existed and thought maybe it might help me.  I am struggling with my marriage. I have 2 teenagers 1 graduating in a week that is autistic from a previous abusive marriage and another graduating next year.  They have been raised by my current husband since they were 3 & 4 due to the circumstances. Over the past years my current husband has been abusing alcohol and would react badly towards myself and my daughter. Nothing physical, but this past weekend he got so bad he drove home drunk from a golf tournament threw up for a 1/2 hr and passed out. The next day he said he decided to quit forever and was telling the kids. I said I am proud of you, this will be good for our family, marriage and you. That night he told our son and never told our daughter.  The next 2 days went by and he didn’t tell he. He then went to tell me he was golfing on Father’s Day with his brothers and nephews who were big drinkers. I said kindly, do you think you are ready for that yet?  “ He exploded”!!!! That’s where I am, he called me names, brought up personal things that I only told him from my past that I “ wasn’t perfect either”. Which I responded I never claimed to be, there is only one perfect person God.  At that point he said he works and puts all of his sweat and labor into days with no one giving him anything back. See, I got into a bad tractor trailer accident several years ago so I am permanently disabled. I believe he resents me for not being able to work. But he makes me put the entire check on the mortgage so it’s not like I don’t help.

So,  leads me to last night, not a word. He didn’t speak to us. Then he left extra early so he didn’t have to see or speak to me today. I have not been held in over 5 years, I just want joy, love and respect.  Not a lot from anyone.  Happiness is something I don’t even know is possible anymore for me. That is all for today. I am scared what tonight brings…