Feeling fed up again

It’s ages since I posted, mostly down to health problems. Still have very bad sciatica from time to time. There are days I not only can’t sit at the computer but even lying in bed with the laptop is painful. The only relief is to lie down on my back, and then I feel like life is just slipping by and there’s so much still I want to do.

I’ve also been getting  problems with my stomach lately. Most of the time it’s just slight nausea, a bit like pregnancy sickness, but no way it’s that at my age! Then last week I had a reasonably good day and went with my Husband to the open mic in Abergavenney. It was an awful evening. First the host made a derogatory remark about the pickup I had bought that allows you to amplify an accoustic guitar. The thing is I can’t afford a new guitar but I’m often made to feel I’m a nuisance because they have to get an extra mic to amplify mine so I bought this pick up which is cheap and nasty apparently, well he didn’t say that but that’s how I felt.

Then when I sang my three songs everyone just carried on talking. I was playing my 12 string and I think it was sligtly out of tune but was feeling too strung up to stop and tune it again. Then I sat down and started to feel ill. My stomach was feeling worse and worse. Eventually I told Hubby I wanted to go home and he said, ‘We’ll go in 15 minutes’ which upset me again and I insisted we went right away.

I had a dose of Andrews and  went to bed but was up half the night being sick. In the morning the problem was at the other end! Then I slowly started to get better but felt very weak. My husband had got up and gone out without checking how I was and I started thinking what if it had been bad food poisining and he had just left like that.

The next day I was still weak and had to cancel a duty at the crisis line. I feel awful letting them down as they are such lovely caring understanding people.

Tonight there is another open mic but we are going awy for two days tomorrow and I didn’t want to risk it in case it is stress or something. It would have been so nice if Hubby had stayed and had a quiet night with me, but no, off he went. I’m afraid I snapped and said ‘Yes you go and have a good time at my favourite venue.’

He replied that I had said I didn’t want to go.

I pointed out that I was afraid to go in case I over did it and it was stress upsetting my stomach.

He just said ‘OK’ and went through the door.

Now I’m sitting here writing this instead of finishing getting ready and feeling really fed up, fed up with being ill and fed up with not being cared about.

At least my daughter came today and  I got lots of hugs and little pressies from Edinburgh, she has been to the festival there. Don’t know what I would do without her. Eldest son is pretty cold, too, although at least he’s logical, and I don’t see a lot of younger son now.

Hopefully the weekend goes well as I have been looking forward to it for a long time.

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