Feel like life is passing me by

This constant bad weather is really starting to get me down. I’ve had a run of bad health lately and that can be hard enough to cope with without endless rainy days and cloud filled skies. Normally in the summer when I’m ill I sit on the patio in the afternoon and do a few light gardening jobs like dead heading and pruning and I don’t feel so much like life is passing me by.

I’ve been feeling like that a lot lately, like life is passing me by. I can’t write much when I am ill. I just can’t concentrate and if I’m not well on the evening we go to the accoustic club, I stay home and Hubby goes without me. There is an episode of The Simpsons where Homer accidentally becomes an artist and is quite successful and Marge, who once went to art school but gave it all up when she got married and had children, feels upset because he is ‘living her dream’. Thats how I feel with Hubby.

When I was young I wanted to go to drama school but, after my father died, I was left alone with my mother who was manic depressive and I had to stay with her. I used to sing in folk clubs but Hubby never encouraged me, in fact he often wouldn’t come with me. Then after I had the kids I actually managed to get a proffesional job as a banquet entertainer but the firm went bankrupt and the new owners wanted more established professionals.

Then I found the John Denver club and started to sing there. It was only twice a year but I loved it and I realised I still wanted to do this. One of the people there said  I should go to folk clubs and Hubby and I started going to one. Then he suddenly became obsessed with singing and playing guitar and now goes to as many as three open mics a week while I am often ill and only get out about once a fortnight. He didn’t used to be very good but now he’s practising all the time and has got a lot better and is getting complements and I feel he is ‘living my dream’ like Homer and Marge.

I try not to feel this way as it feels nasty to resent his success. but I can’t help it. He also goes to an art group once a week and has filled the house with paintings. He can’t do anything by halves. He said to me the other day that he feels he is getting older and wants to do it all before it is too late. He totally failed to notice it already is too late for me. I feel like he’s rubbing it in.

Tonight we should be going to a party that someone at the open mic has asked us to. I woke with a migraine for the third day running and my head is swimming and I don’t think I can make it, so I have to watch him go and he’ll come back and tell me what a great time he had and my favourite programme isn’t even on the TV as it’s been cancelled for the football.

I’ve been asked to join a local choir but I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with it. I’ve even had to cut down on my voluntary job. I’m not sure what the solution is to the way I feel or even if there is one, but it would help if we could have summer. It is June after all!