Times of Weakness

I have times of weakness, I really am not that big of a fan to admit such. And what my weakness is besides the cancer sticks other people see just as destructive. Sometimes I could swear that if I gave into the temptation for that secret vice rather than preaching to myself against it perhaps I would not do so much when I do it. I will not state what that is, for well I dont want to end up in the looneybin because someone thinks that I may do harm.

I hate to admit weakness, especially when its so internal that in many ways I do not think anyone would understand. I want to talk to people, but fear that my mood swings would be rude. It is not my intention to disenfranchise my friends/aquaintances of a rational person that is generally what they wish to speak to. I hate being the looney bitch that I can be at times.

Perhaps its my own delusional paranoia that keeps me smoking for crying out loud, slow suicide rather than show scars? Some irrational fear that if I completely quit (down to 5 on some days, others more as of recent) that I will obsess about my other vice and well, its more prominant than puffing like a chimney.

The need is there for me to just decompress, let some things slide a bit for a few days, but I dont want to. I need to study for the EFF at Dragon*Con and have my facts, dates and cases straight and without referring back to my notes constantly. I HAVE to be in at least top form for before the panels so that I dont freeze when the time comes. This is going to be the litmus test for if I have the strength to possibly take on more, lead up to a normal life. I want something that resembles a normal life so badly I can taste it.

Oh well, fuck this.. perhaps another round of my vice or just get fucking drunk.

Weakness, yeah everyone hates it, but I’ve learn to embrace mine and try to learn from it so I can be better. Most people ignore their weaknesses and walk around in denial. At least you are accepting that you have one and acknowledging it as something you don’t like, but is there as a part of you. That’s the first step to take in dealing with it. ^_^ Thanks for the comments on my journal. I agree.

~*Valeria*~

July 7, 2006

I agree with whisperingmoon. Having weaknesses is the easy part; it’s the facing up to them that most people fight about so hard with themselves. It takes more courage to admit to a weakness and face it head-on than it does to deny that you have any at all. Bravo to you for being honest with yourself.