Three Little Words

Another depressd day, I am so tired of them I wish I could just curl up and go away for say at least a year or two.  By the contract I have made with myself I am obligated for 2 more years in this life.  I know I could change that since its only with me that the contract has been made.  I feel like shit and it just seems like people have grown so desentsitized to the words "I love you" that they slip off the tongue like its nothing. 

I take those words seriously.  Yes, many people will hear me say ‘luv ya’ or ‘luff yas’ but the sound is different, the meaning is different.  Granted many people dont question the difference in pronunciation, but that is not my fault.  The main difference is the ‘ya/s’ that is where the obvious change is as I usually say you even in normal conversation.  Part of the college education I have had, speak properly, even if grammar and spelling is a chore. 

Its times like right now, times when I dont need to hear anything false that people seem to say it more.  Even if someone felt they did love me or whatever saying it when I am in these funks sounds tinny, a lie, or misunderstood.  People dont have to use that phrase, other things would be more sufficient.  I want to scream at people that do this to me constantly  "You dont love me, you may care, you may have affection for me but love is not something you have for me.    As soon as you are done with whatever you want from me you will be gone.  So dont tell me lies, give me the truth" 

And I feel callus for writing this, almost guilty, like some secret like I murdered someone.  No, I dont need to feel guilty for a belief, but for not expressing myself clearly.  I wish I could more easily.

I am not suicidal, just tired, mopey I guess.  I want to do things that are not healthy for me but I am resisting the urge to do so.  Besides, the evidence would be apparent and some folks at the Dr.’s office may think I am being irrational.  So, no, not going to do what I want, for the time being.   The surrender to that energy is tempting, but I have to remain as I am or better in mind.  Gods know right now is not the time for that kind of shit.

I know people read this and wonder how I am even here, not institutionalized.  Its because I have reason I think, I persevere.  It is by my will that I am here, it is my responsibility to get myself out of the lows.  No one can do that for me.  I appreciate the warm wishes I get from people, and I accept them joyously but I will never and have never wanted anyones pity.