Steven/Nikoli

Its that time of year again and well.. heh.. I am thinking way too much about the past so I am going to cut the vein here and let it soemhow leave me for a bit.

"I just don’t love you anymore"

Those words ring in my head for about 2 weeks of Feb leading up to Valentines day and I have good reason to think that it was sopposed to be some kind of karmatic test and that I failed it.

I met Steven in 1993, a month and a half before my high school graduation.  He had come to his friends (Rajul) performance in "Carousel" and was waiting for her after the show for a bit of hanging out time.  We chatted and they left and I didnt think anything else of it.  At the time he was more interested in my friend, Bambi (yes that is her name) and well after that night she told me she had no interest in him.  Little did I know that he was younger than me and hense some of his interest was in a younger lady (2 years in fact) so I wasnt exactly displeased, just resigned that I wasnt his type. 

A week or so later Rajul comes up to me and states she wants to go on a date with Rosen, a friend of her that attended another high school in Buckhead and her parents would not let her if there was not at least a couple of other friends around and she wanted to set me up on a ‘blind-date’ with Steven and Bambi wanted to come along as well since she had the chance of meeting a few preppy Buckhead boys.  Sure, whatever, so I went.

During this date me and Steven really hit it off and made plans to see each other again and by the time graduation had come about we were dating consistantly.  In July he told me he was in love with me and although I hesitated to say the same he kissed me and said "I know you dont wear your heart on your sleeve but I know you love me too" .  By October I told him I was in love with him as well. 

The next year I accompanied Steven to his senior year homcoming, graduation ceremonies and the like as he attended my colleges formal gathering as my date.  My college was used to him coming and going off campus, staying with male friends of mine in the dorms when he was too tired to go home and me disappearing with him for stays at his parents place. 

On his graduation night in 1994 he proposed marriage and I accepted happily.   To this date we had not really been intimate and he sort of understood, but his graduation trip to see family and friends was the first time we had any real time away staying in random hotels along the way to explore sexuality.  The first time he tried to go down on me I hit him then he held me as I cried, finally getting the answers he needed as a lover of why I was in ways so frigid.  He understood and as that trip went along we pushed my limits and finally had some kind of physical sexual relationship.  I was still in my mind a virgin (physiclally that had been taken from me as a child). 

We did not tell anyone of our engagement then as both of us are from traditional families and the ring was essential.  Christmas was when we were able to afford the ring and after he had it in his hand he asked for my hand to my father and I in turn asked his mother for her blessing.  The parents thought another year but it was not unexpected in the least.  We were happy, in love and trying to spend every moment with each other.

Funny how that January my mental virginity was taken care of and I cried again.  He was not repentant but only said in such an endearing way "Congradulations".  I knew he was not a virgin and it meant all the more to me that he had waited for me. 

The year passed again as an engaged couple, making plans, both of us in college and doing well,  he made friends as I had other than mutual and at times we had seperate lives.  I thought this was good and showed some strength and maturity. 

It was Valentines day of 1997 that he said those hated, vile words and I took it at face value.  This is the one time he hit me because I was hysterical.  The weeks following we did not speak and then by some miracle we started talking again, becoming the best of friends and occasional lovers.  We knew so much about each other that the leap from fiancee to best friend seemed quite easy. 

I moved away in 1997 to be with another man I had become infatuated with and returned in 1998 when that relationship failed (by him putting a gun to my head in a jealous rage).  And by that time Steven was seeing Banshee, who was the first girl I kissed.  Strangeness follows my love life and I know it. 

I met Kander and after a few years we married.  In giving his blessing over our union Steven stated "If ever you hurt her I will take her from you".  This was a joke to me and to Kander, but now I know it was real.

I found out in 2004 that as of November of 2002 he still pined for me, had regretted what he had lost as I was married to Kander.

And in 2005 he married Scarlett.  Scarlett was fine with our friendship as it persisted through out the years untill the marriage date then she stated that Steven could never speak to me again under threat of divorce.  I was not made aware of this until October of that year.   The same threat was made about other friends of his and in that his nickname of Nikoli became his first name to me.   Steven is dead.

I hate her, as he was my best friend and I still lovedd him, I didnt know that if I would have encouraged him during my marriage to Kander he would have made a play and I probably would have went with him.

I do still love him and in my efforts to let that chapter of my life be I wrote this..

"After all these years sometimes I think of you. I love you, I hate you, I would give the world to change minds. Others remember you fondly and others are pissed that you changed so much. Its been years and some of us that you threw away like trash wonder how life has been for you. People like us are cursed."

—–

And in this time of year its so easy for me to feel abandoned, to feel tossed aside.  And a friend stated to me last night "I would never leave you, you are my friend"

At this I told him not to say that because right now it feels like a lie.  I pray its not.