Sleep, Ethics, Honor, Dragon*Con

Waiting again.. not the best activity for me as it inhibits sleep and that my dears is something of a commodity for the next few days. Between work, film shoots and entertaining my hands shall be full.

Granted right now that I await the MaDScientist as he has promised to visit for a time today. I dont know why I cannot stop acting like this is a date or something as more or less just hanging out. I am a good friend, nothing more really and nothing more will be asked. Its good in many ways but I still wish I were special. Special is not something I feel much of whatsoever.

I am still grappling with other issues, ones that deal in trust and how to balance my own sense of ethics against the ethics of others. Ethics are more flexible than honor, one reason that I shall never be an honorable person, the rigidity of such a ‘code’ should there be one would leave me feeling more trapped than I do by my own set of ethics. Even now, I am boxed in by my ethics and its a struggle to find a pivot point to achieve balance that is conducive to what I want.

HONOR

A code of integrity, dignity, and pride, chiefly among men, that was maintained in some societies, as in feudal Europe, by force of arms.

ETHICS
A set of principles of right conduct.

(Underlines are my own)

I will not say that I have been silent in my lust, and probably more vocal that most would deem prudent. I tired of the wallflower bit several years ago, I am much to easily ignored if I say nothing. Again the question of balance as I fear that being too forward has been just as much of a detriment as silence. Extremes, that is all I seem to encompass, save for my ambivalence to relationships, there I know what I want, what I need for crying out loud, but it is a bit pie in the sky.

I am not a person to hide to me that is easily a path to corruption. Corruption is another taint that I wish not to be associated with. So, how to strike an accord between my own set and the sets of others? This is where I find things to be tricky.

Heck, I am still mulling over another question of 2 promises that are in contradiction to each other… which comes with priority…..

Other things….

I did have a pleasant evening with Kilt for a few hours. We met via b.com and lost touch then at Dragon*Con 2005 and well I thought no interest because well, I was forgotten almost instantly. But he found my messenger again and we went to dinner, seems he was drunk on the night in question. We have more in common than I thought, mutual friends excluded. It was interesting, we are going to hang out again sometime after things settle down. I think that will not be til September.

I received a message from Scott over at EFF regarding the 2nd Director at Dragon*Con and I have accepted the position with a little more ease than I should. However, the help is needed, I am available for the days and live less than 10 miles from the Hotels. Its good to have some respect based on the fact I show up for meetings and try to put together some contunity to the proceedings. More on my plate.

I did get my schedule cleared for Dragon*Con but the price may be steep should they be asses a work and try to deny my Paid Time Off since it will be a holiday (Labor Day) weekend. Shawn has approved the time off so I will harrass Brandi in HR to make sure things go at least a little more smoothly.

I keep looking out the window, feeling a bit adolescent regarding having company. But when do I get company?