Regarding Children and Pregnancy

A comment that was posted to something I talked about has literally brought me to tears.

I am tired of people, seriously fucking tired of people that dangle children under my nose because I have no desire for children and say that I am selfish.   This is not directed at one person but the comment brought this on…

So I am going to clarify..

My family history designates that just getting pregnant would be difficult.  I was married for 5 years and for a goodish part of the time I was not on birth control, sometimes there was protection involved (especially at the beginning of the marriage) but as time went on it was tossed and the ‘if I become pregnant then I do’. 

Before things happened, I wanted children, I wanted a family.  I wanted to be able to have my parents spoil them rotten, teach them, bring them up with loving parents and show them respect and self assurance.  When things were stable Kander and I were never rabid but we did speak of names and schools and where family vacations would take place.

I had three miscarriages and a false pregnancy.  I cried like a baby when the pregnancy test came up negative.

I went on birth control when things started to go downhill in my mental health.  Progestin helps with psychosis and Depo had been a good choice in the past to avoid pregnancy.   It was because of the lack of periods that I had a tumor grow to the size of a baseball in my womb, this tumor damaged my uterus,  if I had not been on depo my periods would have been so painful it would have been discovered sooner.

Believe it or not that is the way it is.  I have no desire for kids because I am unable to have them.
I would have to come off my meds that cause serious deformities and dystunctions to a fetus.  During that time I would be a ticking time bomb, a woman that could not be left alone in her home at anytime for fear of suicide.  Yes, boys and girls, without meds I am fucking suicidal.   

Add atop that my PTC, a growing fetus would place pressure on my spinal column giving me more headaches and no meds since they would harm the fetus.  The pain is enough as it is sometimes I want to commit suicide just to make that pain stop.

With meds I can function, I can work again, I dont have to take handouts from social security.  Without meds I am helpless and dangerous. 

With meds a fetus would be disfigured, retarded or unviable, without the mother would die before term by her own hand if not from the cornicopia of health issues that would harken.  (I have problems with low blood pressure, thyroid and liver functions, just add stress of carrying a baby to that)

Its been recommended by my doctors before not to try. 

My own husband called me ‘half a woman’ some men have called me useless.  Women have called me selfish and a whore since I now chose not to endanger my life for giving birth.  

I’m single now, my finances could not take the strain, my emotional state would be wrecked to the point of disability again, and likely death.    Some would call me a murderer as if I became pregnant I would abort and without remorse.  Guilt and remorse are two different animals.

I care not to pine for what can not be, so I will chose to remain childless, a life can be just as full without children.

Its not like I have not considered adoption.  My chances would be weak and I know it because of my medical history (mainly with my mental illnesses) , financial stability and that I am a single woman in her 30’s and no prospects of marriage anytime in the nearish future.

I will live my life as I see fit, I do not need a child to make my life worth living.

Painful as it is I dont dream about what would kill me.