Rather Strange Thought

I am sick.. gods know that I should not think this way…

I saw a random entry on here (OD) and this girl wast talking about fasting, purging and on her way to being an anorexic, and here was my happy thought

"Wish I had enough self control to do that"

I have always struggled with my weight, and trying to maintain a healty weight even though I can never seem to get under 140lbs without being truely ill.  And even then I have my ‘adorable pooch’ as the MaD Scientist calls it.  The portion of my body I detest the most is called adorable.

I dont have the control or the madness to starve or purge myself (unless I am in one of those self destuctive moods and I cant find a blade) and purging/vomiting will leave me without a voice, needed for my job.  And I desperately need money. 

*sigh* 

I wish people would keep their word to me, here I had taken two days off in a row to be with someone and they never show, yesterday morning/afternoon got the call of "I’ll be there no matter what" only to get another call at 9:30pm, an hour and half till work with the "Not going to come"  Gee, and here I didnt eat, thinking dinner et all and so I ended up going to work in tears because of these actions I feel even more alone and unwanted.

I am tired of facing each day alone and no one giving a damn, really, I have told the people that live near me how I am doing and guess what, no one gives a shit and flaunt how perfect their new significant other is, after I had been tossed like garbage, and made to feel cheap.  I mean hell, the Thursday before Steve left to get La cucuracha he tried to fuck me, despite that I told him I didnt want to because I didnt want to think of anything as ‘the last time’. 

I ended up crying, telling him that I wish he would give up the idea that the fantasy chick would be perfect.  I have met her, and I wish I could just die.  Too cute, I feel even more like playing in traffic.

But, I am good enough till something cuter, smarter, skinnier or more needy comes along.  Thats Sabra, good enough for now, an easy lay apparently (even though I stopped having sex with Steve and only see the MaD Scientist once a month, my only lover now) or so people seem to think.

Hell even blind dates think I am easy with all the conversations by his violition going towards sex.  Asking if I was wearing panties and then, with all the nerve put his arm around my waist and searched for the thing!  I blew it off at the time but now it pisses me the hell off.  I must be desperate to have tolerated that.

Its payday, going to cash my check, go to the consignment shop and see if they have anything in gargantuan for me to wear and come back for sleep. 

I work again tonight at 11p….

This is my therapy, I have to remind myself.