Mute

I dont know how to speak, how to express myself in a way that people understand.  I dont have the words to give focus to what I think, what I feel and how I am motivated by fear.  It perplexes me to no end people tell me to talk to them to say what is on my mind but something melts down and the words are not there or even worse come out so strangely or incomprehensible that  its a mess. 

I seem to lack the ability to bare my soul to whom would ask, I feel selfish, not self interested and I want to change the subject.  Lacking focus, lacking strength to even try because I dont know how.   When I try I feel like there is a failure in my face again.  Stand aside and suffer because its not there. 

I want to be able to share but its embarrassing, its degrading for me and I do it so little that when I do speak its ego, the Id and harmful.

But I keep trying and failing and when I try to make a decision I end up even more conflicted than before.  Whether it be social pressure, the internal pressure or just the ghosties in my head it doesnt matter I end up sacrificing decision for comfort. 

Decisions are difficult I want to know the right path, I want  concrete proof that I will not get caught and be in pain again.  The past colours all of this and I remain on the fence because making a decision that will lead either way is frightening. 

A deer in the headlights even when promises that tomorrow will be better and I would rather remain in the dark because I know it.  

I wish I know how to get over my fears and let myself be loved. 

If I am happy why do I fear curses lain down on my head?  If I am alone why do I fear I will not be loved?  If I am sad why do I curse that no one is there?  If I want to die why do I hope for light?

Its a mountainside road,  the twists, the turns the hanging off ledges as you ride up and down.  There is no safety net, there is nothing but oblivion, meeting your maker and finding out that even one shred of hope was just an illusion. 

• I dont ask for help from loved ones because I am prideful
• I beg from those I have contempt for because they have proven false in the past.
• I have the ability to love but I shield myself from the ability to open fully and be vulnerable
• I close myself because I fear abandonment

All in all I have betrayed myself.