More Poker and Introspection

Stil no sign of Richelieu and I am getting more and more angry and depressed over the whole deal.

I did get in touch with Blood and he wanted me at poker.  And I need the time out of the house and after work I trudged the 3 miles back home, climbing the 45 degree hill just in time to sponge off the sticky GA weather and walk back down the aforementioned hill because Blood was running late. 

I dont understand myself, I was told I seemed better, more talkative but as the night progressed I guess my own exhaustion started to set in making me grumpy and headachy.  The chick that won tonight was loud, drunk and racist calling the Pit Boss a ‘cracker’.  I absolutely HATE bigots even in the mildest sense of the word and started to lose my cool.  Okay, I’ll be honest I wanted to slap the bitch around.   I was lost at that standpoint about to just go all in and forget the whole idea.  If Richelieu had been there I probably would have just to get away.

Aside I placed 3rd, for the first time ahead of Blood, even taking out the Pit Boss which if I could donate my 100 point bounty it would be his (meaning Blood).    My temper lost me the rest of the game and I realize that. 

And now, I want to fucking cry. 

I should get some sleep, Flakes is going to let me take the car after she picks up up and stops at work where I will come home again till 9.30a.  Stay till 6p and walk home again.  My feet have about 10 blisters.

I need to get out of this trapped feeling again.  I want my car back.

I dont talk to people about some things, I had been trying to reach Kander for a week after I got a call from one of his roomates.  I finally did find out what was going on when Kander picked up the phone again.  Roomate found a syringe and Kander told him of a plan of suicide.  1cc?  I think it is of air into the coritoid (sp) artery and poof, instant anyurism.  Great.  He wanted to argue, told me I was wasting his fucking minutes and hung up on me when I told him I know where he is at the moment.  Been there not too long ago myself. 

I could go to the VA, I am still his ‘wife’ and have him Baker Acted, but that would make him worse, he refuses to stay med compliant, he thinks the drugs are a crutch, and I use a crutch since I am not better by now. 

Tough Shit, I neeed my drugs just to keep from screaming.  Right now I wish I had more so I wouldnt be about to cry.

I just dont know how to talk to people about things like this, how powerless I feel and how I do feel like my illness is a crutch and I am weak because I cant seem to get better without them.  Most of my aquaintances/friends are not fond of Kander, okay the animosity runs very very high, especially if I have told them of the circumstances I left him over.  Most people tell me I should not care, I shouldnt speak to him and how I would be better of to just cut all contact.  I find that impossible, I married the man, I loved him, still do to a point and always will.  I have never had the ability to just cut someone out of my life like a cancer.  It probably would have done me good with some situations.

One of these days I will have the ability to write about it again.

Oh well I need to get some sleep, Flakes will be over about 5am again.