Love and Classification

I should be cleaning or sleeping or working on my LARP downtime.. but I want to write instead.  Go fig.

The whole VD thing has placed me intorospection of my whole thinking about that L word.  And no, not lesbian, I like men too much even though at times it would be simpler it feels.  Its not like I get along with many women well.  I dont know why and I would like to know but that is a totally different issue entirely.

LOVE:

1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.
sexual passion or desire.

4.
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

So, why is that lil portion of a definition important?  I dont know if it was felt for me I would recognize it, hell I doubt I would recognize it in myself.  I have friends, the majority male, and some I do have relations with on occasion. 

I keep myself safe, emotionally, I keep a barrier that no one has even tried to really breach and I doubt they will.  I move in dating slowly and that terminates most of the wankers out there.  Cant take me as a friend then beat it bud.   But have I made the right choice in keeping my defenses on high all the time?  Have I blocked myself into a corner since no one can get to my heart as in the helping me fall in love that I am doomed to being single forever?  I do not have that answer and no one is really close enough to me now to help me find that answer.

I have the capability to love, I have on a couple of occasions and well disaster was the ending.  I fear rejection, pain and hatred.  I do not want to risk my heart even though it is tempting to let down some of the walls and invite someone in. 

But I don’t, because of my fears, based on the experiences of abandonment and betrayal.  I fear not having the fortitude to stand up to the stress and falling apart at the seams. 

I know I trick myself into thinking more logically to avoid emotions and their inevitable repercussions later.  Am I cheating myself out of something more?

I hate introspection in itself because again I see the adequacies of others and try to apply it to myself. 

But others shapes do not fit into my world internally of files, folders and neat classifications.   Has my desire for order, logic and reason stopped me from being shielded from the world and imprisoned me to myself? 

I need a drink.